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Friday, 7 February 2014

You've got mail...and spam!



 My common email phrases and their actual meanings:

1. Nice talking to you (you are a bloody fool for wasting my time calling you)
2. Let me clarify (Why can't you open your eyes big big and read my email since I've explained already)
3. Appreciate your urgent look in this matter (If I don't hear from you within the hour, all hell will break loose)
4. Glad that you have found a greener pasture (Good riddance to you! I'm happy you are terrorizing another company now)


Absolutely hate it when external parties fill their emails with acronyms of their projects or departments without the decency to explain them, expecting the rest of the world to know what they mean. There are only a few globally standardised short-forms you can use in your daily work:
When a email arrived without any background or attachment, kindly reply with WTF (What's This For / Where's The File), and you will be greatly appreciated by the sender. And if your recipient is angry for whatever reason, you can reply with LOL (Lots of Love / Lots of Luck). Never ever end an email with RGDS (Really Gross Document Seriously!) unless you mean it.

Online persona

I have a colourful digital/online persona. My top Whatsapp contacts are women; headhunters are clamouring to connect me via LinkedIn, and my SMSes are filled with unsolicited spams from housing agents. But my favourite is my Yahoo mail where on a daily basis, strangers around the world showed genuine concern over the size of my manhood, and a Nigerian prince is eager to share his million dollar inheritance if only I helped with the remittance fee.

Long and hard

I had a long and hard look at how this copywriter must be sweating and getting his hands dirty coming up with suggestive email headlines in a bid to get his spam victims excited. I wonder how long he'll last before his juice runs out.

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