My morale

Working in my new office complex is affecting my morale. Every day at lunchtime and when I finish work, when I'm taking the lift, I'll hear the Voice saying "Going down", which seems to suggest how my career will pan out. As if it is not enough, the Voice will add "Doors are closing", telling me my options are getting fewer and time is running out. Sigh.

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 9)

Red reigns supreme in the spectrum in the corporate world. Whether you are devising a blue ocean strategy, launching a green initiative, writing a white paper, or organising a black-tie gala event, you will always be strangled by miles of red tape.

World's best colleagues

"My colleague made me realised that I should cherish my quiet moments which I am at my most productive... whenever this colleague is not in the office."

"The only thing worse than a colleague who has forgotten your name is when she addresses you with the name of another colleague who you absolutely hate."

"I can read my colleague like a book simply because I don't think she ever reads."

Five questions we often ask departing colleagues (and our real reasons behind them)

1. Where are you going? (so that I can laugh at that company's misfortune in hiring you)
2. Why are you leaving? (only now when you should have left a year ago and save us the misery)
3. Let's keep in touch (virtually so that I can block you on Facebook and email)
4. You will be missed (since we wouldn't have new fodder to gossip behind your back)
5. All the best in your future endeavour (in looking for another job 6 months down the road when your new employer realised their mistake in hiring you)

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 8)

"When you are the source of misery at the workplace, it is always good to be humble and apologise with something like "I'm sorry you didn't bother to read my email"; or "I'm sorry you are the only one who couldn't understand my simple step-by-step guide". If you find yourself apologising frequently, it's time to dig up your CV. And you can thank me for that."

*****

"We always wear a mask at work whether we like it or not. I'm so glad to finally found someone who knows her way around the company whom I can confide in. I poured my heart out to her while she listened attentively without interrupting. And when I finished my piece, she whispered "meow", licked her paw and darted into the drain."

 ***** 

"I'm paid to be a spin doctor and I'm loving it! Maybe I'll go to hell for that. And if that's the case, I'll submit my CV to Satan and help reverse the bad press that Hell has been getting for millennia, and I'm pretty sure I'll see some familiar faces."

***** 

"I forgave the new flamboyant department honcho who totally ignored my presence and my friendly smile when I bumped into him, since his gaze was fixated at my pretty female colleague walking next to me. I would also ignore all fat nerds on the streets and look at their companions in envy or sympathy."

***** 

"My colleague's car freshener scent smell exactly like the office toilet. Now whenever I'm in his car, I feel like peeing."

*****  

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 7)

"Work can never be finished. We should always complete what we set out to do. Though both sayings are contradictory, they can be resolved by a third saying: Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life." 

*****

"Two pleasant-looking female colleagues were debating the various interpretations of an internal company-wide contest and concluded that the rules are confusing OR they are bimbos. I'm happy to say that they are wrong. The correct conjunction used should be 'AND', not 'OR'."

*****

"Today, I need to cramp two days' work into one. If I can't deliver, it means that I'm inefficient and lack time-management skills. If I somehow make it, then it only gives the impression that I've been slacking all these years. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Or maybe I should just call in sick? Then I'll be labelled as a weakling. Damned again!"

*****

"Common sense dictates that we should always clear the most important or urgent emails, but I always enjoy replying immediately to those without common sense."

*****

"It is the sign of changing times when the first thing my foreign business visitors asked after shaking my hand was not for my name-card, but for the right visitor Wi-Fi network to log in."

*****

" My Untried and Untested Office Survival tips when the Boss is on leave"

1. Email all projects that need your boss's approval and you will be effectively free for the rest of the day, unless if your boss happened to be on-the-ball and replies emails, in which case, you will need to repeat this step until he gets fed-up/ impressed by your 'hard work'.

2. Plan dept or inter-dept lunches so that there will be at least one common gossip agenda item.

3. Make [Alt+Tab] your best friend to switch screen should some idiots turn up at your cubicle and disrupt your full-time Facebooking or doing holiday research. Said idiots are most likely not your colleagues since they will be as busy as you doing the same thing.

4. Learn the delay/scheduled email sending function to give the illusion of your omnipresence at your desk where in fact, you are out for extended brunch cum lunch or gone for the day to catch the 6pm movie.

"My tried and tested tips on surviving happily in the office"

1. While you can steal a peek at your colleagues' screen, don't be a busybody and comment whatever is on their screen, unless initiated by the colleague.


2. If your colleague buy snacks or cheapsake souvenirs from overseas, accept them graciously even if you are faking it.

3. If you are leaving your computer for extended period of time and can't be bothered to lock your screen, at least show your desktop or email programme and not face-palm sites like Facebook or travel sites researching for your next holiday.

4. If you are goofing during working hours by watching YouTube videos or playing online games, don't be an idiot and announce to the whole dept by blasting your speakers.

5. Don't compare salary or working hours. Life is unfair, get over it. You win some, you lose some.

6. Make common enemy from other departments amongst your colleagues, great for bonding.

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 6)

"I was having lunch at my neighbourhood coffee-shop and had an interesting time observing the congregation of elderly folks seated at the next table. The loudest ones dominated the conversation, and they would repeat their lines a few times to the rest who were either zoned out or playing with their phones. Hey, this is exactly like my weekly department meetings!"

"After witnessing quite a few major changes in my department in recent months under new leadership, I'm beginning to see myself as a character in Game of Thrones, trying hard to survive the cloak and dagger intrigue and the office skullduggery. While I'm contemplating forging alliances, I'm also wary of going to meetings behind closed doors or getting invitation to lunches in unfamiliar territories. I just hope my character survives in the next season!"

*****

"For buying afternoon tea snack for the department for no special reason - $10. For realising that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach - priceless. For my new Lady Boss mentioned above in her first month at the helm - I am your loyal servant till the end of time."

"First my new Lady Boss bought the bunch of us tea snacks and breakfast. Next, she was the only one today who voiced that my new CK polo tee was nice. Though she is still on official probation, to me, she has excelled beautifully in becoming my next BFF. Comparatively, my girlfriend turned wife needed more than a year. Tsk tsk tsk."

*****

"I've decided to stop grumbling about the lack of work ethics from my Gen Y intern. You know how some old arcade games will stop calculating points after it hit a ceiling and just show 999,999 points? My intern has reached that limit... with a 'minus' sign in front."

*****

"I was commiserating with a male colleague on how a mutual female colleague has touched us in places nobody has touched before. A pain in the ass is much worse than a kick in the groin."

*****

"I realised that there's such a thing as 'Old Man colours' when it comes to work shirts. And I have to thank my pastel-loving male colleagues in my department for being my fashion consultants in leading by example on colours that I shouldn't touch."

*****

Not bad for my neighbourhood coffee shop to have a waterfall feature...but only during torrential downpour like now.  I'll expect delays for the morning commuters who will utter this to their bosses "Blame it on the rain", which is also the title of a song by Milli Vanilli a quarter of a century ago. Nope, never heard of it as it is before my time. Girl you know it's true. 

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 5)

"I'm bemused by my CEO's choice of a bat as his Line profile picture. Does he wish to have good fortune as how this creature symbolises in Chinese culture? Or is he running the company like Wayne Enterprises, fighting evil forces? If so, maybe I should change my profile pic to a robin so that he will get the hint."

*****

"The marvel of the telephone allows people across vast distance to touch each other. So far yet so near. But for my two co-workers seated a mere 5 metres apart, rather than a friendly shout or a face-to-face chat, the use of a phone-call exposes the wide gulf between the two, So near yet so far."

*****

"I've tried to arrange for a meeting with a Gen-Y colleague via email, Lync, SMS, Whatsapp and Line for an entire week and received the Silent Treatment without even a simple "will reply you". The ONLY situation you can give a co-worker the Silent Treatment is when you are dead. If not, once I get my hands on you, you'd wish you were."

*****

"Initially I thought my Gen-Y intern is more smart-alec than smart, which can still be a virtue in the creative industry. But after much observation, I discovered that there's more than meets the eye. I'll just call him Alec from now on."

 *****

"While it is true that you are only as strong as the weakest link in your team and as fast as the slowest member in your department, it is entirely up to you to make the best or worst of your time spent in the company."

 *****

"Let's face it. In a working environment, you don't need to kowtow to your f**kface boss or your obnoxious colleague with the in-your-face attitude. Give face to each other and resolve all misunderstandings face-to-face so nobody need to lose face. Most importantly, don't wash your office dirty laundry on Facebook!"

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (master post)

 Part 9

Part 8

Part 7

Part 6

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 4)

I organised a morning workshop for 35 male students aged 15-16, who descended upon the tea snack area like ravenous locusts and left nothing behind. Even though I have ordered extra portions, filling the stomachs of growing teenagers is a futile exercise nobody should ever attempt.

Saw the dagger clipped to the calendar next to the rear-view mirror of my company bus which is also used for ferrying actors and crew to filming locations. Pretty sure the weapon is not for self-defence for the driver against stressed-out violent directors. Most likely it is a handy tool for prima donna actresses to back-stab one another.

Definitions:

Meeting:
"shorthand reply to answer inquisitive cleaning ladies should you ever go to work earlier than usual for whatever reasons. This "meeting" will be understood immediately and you can be on your way to whatever stupid shit work that require you to wake up so damn early."

Work-Life Balance:
"As long as you finished all the work assigned to you on time, your boss' life will be balanced."

****

Actual conversations in meetings somewhere in Singapore:

(Looking at the yearly expenditure report)
Boss: what do these freelancers do?
Admin staff: Freelancing


(Proposal on new facilities)
Boss: what's the purpose of this Relaxation Corner?
Staff: For employees to relax.

****

"After years of working in the same company, I discover that the top 3 tips to a long and successful career are still: location, location, and location. Once you are summoned, it is important that you arrive as quickly as possible to prevent any aggravation from impatient and unreasonable forces that will put a dampener to the rest of your day even if you arrive just one minute late. Hence I'm happy my cubicle is situated less than 10 metres to the restroom, so when nature calls, I would gladly answer without delay!"

 ****

"Just had a chat with a pretty English newscaster and realised she doesn't know what a powerbank is and I didn't have the heart to tell her I have three pieces. Does this mean I'm overqualified to be a newscaster?"

****

"During a discussion on an upcoming team-building event, a nervous team leader hopes that the members would be pleasing to the eye, but I caution that 'good to see' would not be 'good to eat' - according to a well-known Chinese phrase 好看不好吃. I'm sorry, I shouldn't stereotype. There are also those lousy workers who are aesthetically-challenged."

****

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All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (part 3)

"When the boss addresses you as "friend" at the beginning of a conversation, what follows is usually not friendly."

****

"Feel like working in a farm in my company. I can never bring the horse to the water, the cows refused to come home, and my stubborn colleague insisted on putting all the eggs in one basket. I think Old MacDonald had a better life."

****

Public holiday on a Friday

"I can never understand the rationale for calling a 4-day work week like this week 'short', which is a mere 20% reduction from a normal 5-day week. Rather than spreading that 20% across the remaining 4 days to cover a week's worth of work, most will in fact, bring forward their lazy Friday mentality to Thursday, making it a 3-day work week. It is indeed a short week. Now I get it."

Working with government

"Working with government agencies can be an exasperating exercise not for the faint-hearted. For a mass public education project, this agency is insisting on cramping the messages in all 4 official languages in a tiny A4-sized poster. Perhaps they are thinking that ‘A4’ means ‘All-4’ languages? For their naivety, I’m giving them ‘A1’."

Working with intern

"I've yet to meet a Generation Y intern who has bowled me over in my company. On most cases, I look at them as the Gen 'Why'- as in 'why can't they deliver?' After a while, I just think 'Why bother'. It is sad that most lacked the 'X-factor' which was in greater supply in the previous Generation denoted by the same alphabet."

****

"First time ever that an intern sang at the end of his first day in my dept! (It was 'Singin' In The Rain' since there was a downpour). Either he was on drugs, in which case I shall ask for some tomorrow. Or he knows Someone High Up which means nobody can touch him, in which case I shall be his BFF from tomorrow onwards."

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Words of Wisdom (part 1)

Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

*****

Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

*****

Everything can be found online. If you can't find it now, it is either removed and will be back online in the future, or you are just not tech-savvy enough to find your way around in cyberspace.

*****

The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

  *****

Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

More Words of Wisdom

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (part 2)

"I've not spoken to my colleague for a month. Not that we are having a cold war, just that my Mum reminded me it is rude to interrupt."

****

"Not speaking doesn't mean mute; not looking doesn't mean blind; not hearing doesn't mean deaf. Knowing the difference will separate the smart ones from the smart alecs."

 ****

"One's true colours will show after they leave the organisation and stop being your colleague. Either you gain a Best Friend Forever or you award that person with a Best Acting Award."

 ****

Weirdos 

"In my course of work, I come into contact with lots of weirdos and their outrageous email requests. And if I fail to deliver, they will threaten to bring the matter to higher authority. I often pity the company that employ them. In which case, I blame my HR dept for not opening their eyes big enough during the interview sessions."

Small talk

"Don't ever try to make small talk in the toilet. Having a conversation with your co-worker accompanied with a background music soundtrack of farts and pee tinkle with your fly open or your pants down doesn't look professional. Moreover, it is in a location where you try to limit your breathing to as little as humanly possible. No need to open your mouth, a simple smile or a nod would suffice."

Irate caller

Had a rough day at work and the last thing I needed was a phone call from an irate caller who managed to get my direct line and complained about the bad TV shows and launched into a personal attack that I'm as "lousy" as the TV station that I'm working in. Maintaining my utmost professionalism, I replied to this elderly lady that I'll convey her feedback to my CEO. And I ended the conversation by saying "Yes, I'll be back for dinner tonight Mum."

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The daily grind

My In & Out Day

IN
1. Sucked in expanding waistline to no avail
2. Squeezed in crowded train staring at foreign workers staring at babes
3. Took in crap from boss who received bigger crap from regulator
4. Tucked in tasteless canteen food and realised I ordered the same shit yesterday.
OUT
1. Logged out from my workstation at the end of day and realised I didn't save the draft email.
2. Hang out with my buddies with my hung out gut
3. Let out a sigh of relief that weekend is here but realised I'll have to repeat everything on Monday
4. Over and out. Zzz


I'm fucking busy but I'd rather be busy fucking. The amount of time and energy spent on the former is inversely proportionate to the existence and quality of the latter.


Tucking fired!
Gonna leep like a slog tonight.
Tomorrow is another pay.
I should stop mow since I can't even skype correctly.

You've got mail...and spam!

 

 

 My common email phrases and their actual meanings:

1. Nice talking to you (you are a bloody fool for wasting my time calling you)
2. Let me clarify (Why can't you open your eyes big big and read my email since I've explained already)
3. Appreciate your urgent look in this matter (If I don't hear from you within the hour, all hell will break loose)
4. Glad that you have found a greener pasture (Good riddance to you! I'm happy you are terrorizing another company now)

Acronyms

Absolutely hate it when external parties fill their emails with acronyms of their projects or departments without the decency to explain them, expecting the rest of the world to know what they mean. There are only a few globally standardised short-forms you can use in your daily work:
When a email arrived without any background or attachment, kindly reply with WTF (What's This For / Where's The File), and you will be greatly appreciated by the sender. And if your recipient is angry for whatever reason, you can reply with LOL (Lots of Love / Lots of Luck). Never ever end an email with RGDS (Really Gross Document Seriously!) unless you mean it.

Online persona

I have a colourful digital/online persona. My top Whatsapp contacts are women; headhunters are clamouring to connect me via LinkedIn, and my SMSes are filled with unsolicited spams from housing agents. But my favourite is my Yahoo mail where on a daily basis, strangers around the world showed genuine concern over the size of my manhood, and a Nigerian prince is eager to share his million dollar inheritance if only I helped with the remittance fee.

Long and hard

I had a long and hard look at how this copywriter must be sweating and getting his hands dirty coming up with suggestive email headlines in a bid to get his spam victims excited. I wonder how long he'll last before his juice runs out.

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me

 

Definition of work

The said piece of work shall be performed by the one:
- who lost to everyone in the taichi tournament,
- needs the work to be completed the earliest,
- and has the highest stake to lose should some brown stuff hit the rotating blades.

Angel vs Devil

Daily battle treading the fine line in office. The wisdom comes in knowing when to be the angel or the devil. It is survival of the fittest living in the jungle.
1. Value-add /vs / busybody
2. Delegate /vs /  Taichi
3. Prompt email reply /vs /  giving the impression that one has nothing else to do
4. Involve the whole department /vs / spread the workload
5. Collective agreement /vs /  all to shoulder blame
6. Suggest ideas /vs / sabo others

Letter exchanges between Father Ant and me

Dear Winston,
Thank you for being an animal-lover and taking care of my family with your biscuit crumbs, honey, coffee and tea spills at your office cubicle. Your kind gesture for not cleaning up has fed my extended family. And word has spread far and wide and my colony will brave the hostile long march to join me here. We are eternally in your debt.

Father Ant

-------------------------------------
Dear Father Ant

Please do not circulate this! Your hostile long march is via my colleague's cubicle and she is adopting a 'press-to-kill' policy and has been giving me nasty looks. I might have to clean up my act very soon. Please look for another benefactor. No, don't come to my house, I'm already supporting a lizard family.

Winston 

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帅哥

You know how you tend to believe something the more you hear it being repeated? Ever since I joined the company,  the Office Despatch Uncle has constantly addressed me as "帅哥" (handsome dude) so much so that I've decided to give the next MediaCorp Star Search a go and give Tay Ping Hui and Desmond Tan a run for their money. I only realised recently that this Office Uncle couldn't remember names to save his life and is calling female staff "美女"(pretty babe). While I'm nursing a deflated ego, I dread bumping into him at Geylang or some night-spots as it could cause some serious misunderstanding.

Winston's tried and tested tips on surviving happily in the office:

Winston's tried and tested tips on surviving happily in the office:
1. While you can steal a peek at your colleagues' screen, don't be a busybody and comment whatever is on their screen, unless initiated by the colleague.
2. If your colleague buy snacks or cheapo souvenirs from overseas, accept them graciously even if you are faking it.
3. If you are leaving your computer for extended period of time and can't be bothered to lock your screen, at least show your desktop or email programme and not face-palm sites like Facebook or travel sites researching for your next holiday.
4. If you are eating snake during working hours by watching YouTube videos or playing online games, don't be an idiot and announce to the whole dept by blasting your speakers.
5. Don't compare salary or working hours. Life is unfair, get over it. You win some, you lose some.
6. Make common enemy from other depts amongst your colleagues, great for bonding.

Giant pandas

I don't understand the big hooha over the arrival of the giant pandas. With my dark eye rings and chubby frame, I'm already the resident panda in my house and office. funny I don't have female colleagues running up to me for a cuddly hug. Think I need work on my lack of fur.