This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 12 photo journal)

 

I sorry I shouldn't have probed. It is tough for people with split personality to find work. Kudos to Samsung for employing them.

The Police should update this theft prevention placard since no smart thief would dress so conspicuously like a character from the Grease musical stealing 2-inch thick antique laptop and mobile phone with protruding antenna.

While most companies embrace diversity, it is refreshing to see a brand still dishing out their One product. You just need to say 2 words to order: quantity and dine/takeaway. Don't be an idiot and utter the product name.

The most perplexing sight I saw during my jungle hike. The type of gloves you use are to protect you from pointy stuff like branches and rocks, not the kind you use to keep your hands clean from eating fried chicken.

I can never understand why people can watch a movie on a screen the size of a postage stamp, when you can enlarge the size to a dollar bill with just a flick of your wrist. I was so tempted to flip the phone for this foreign worker but he has dozed off and I've reached my stop.

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This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 11 -photo journal)

Just saying. Since these handsome dudes are listed as identical, this newspaper can just put one photo and list the other 2 bros as 'same as above'.

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Two cute mice frolicking in a bed of warm cheese

oh wait... rats!

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It is the time of the year for my company's annual performance review where everyone hopes to have a fatter wallet and a higher pay grade. For me, the most likely chance of getting a promotion is this one offered by the supermarket.

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Isn't my tin box of cables just like our lives? We present a nice package on the outside to the world as we accumulate entanglements through the years and become more connected to people and things. Sooner or later, something's gotta give. It is either your sanity or your time or both. For me, anything more than the fingers you have are too much for anyone to grasp in life.

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In this advertising spread on pre-school education, it is understandable that caring nurturing women teachers are featured instead of creepy men. But even the kids featured are adorable girls and no naughty boys in sight. Looks like we men don't make good teachers or students. And that leaves us to be good fathers and lovers. And if we can't even do that, then we are really good for nothing.

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Some might be surprised to learn that this pic is actually cropped from the cover pic of Korea's sexiest new girl group Stellar's latest mini-album, which illustrates once and for all, that music transcends language. This and most K-Pop girl acts have the knack of getting the heart racing even before they open their mouths. I wonder why.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 10 -photo journal)

Hope this caterer can deliver their food to their customers as airtight as their tissue pack as seen in my futile attempt to open it, and at the same time, not taste like it.

This is a rather hilarious album cover by K-pop girl group T-ara. In a group where every member possesses endless long legs, the shortest of them all (third from left) was forced to remain seated so as to present a more visually-pleasing image. Another member was forced to sit with her just so that the shortie don't feel like a sore thumb.

For the first two days when I saw this cup being left in the men's toilet, I feel sad for the guy who might be desperately searching high and low for it. After a week, now I feel sad for the cup for being abandoned and trapped, having to listen to lame small talks; witness pimple-popping and breath in noxious gas. I hope some kind souls can adopt it.

Not sure whether anyone told this retro dim sum institution that their website address will lead to nowhere. But then again, for F&B establishments where their menu remain unchanged even before the advent of the Internet and email, the only contact point they would ever need is the good ol phone.

Just spotted this little faux pas. Perhaps that's how foreign reporters react whenever they spot a 'SG' followed by a number. This little typo might just inadvertently highlight the real story that SG have spent tons of $ for its 50th birthday celebration.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 9)

Turning 40
Ever since I crossed the threshold of the big Four Oh, I've decided to be more gung-ho and say 'YES' to whatever new adventures that life might throw at me. The Wifey rebutted "It is your mid-life crisis talking. Now stop your nonsense and go back to sleep!". I replied: "YES!".

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Death
Never the superstitious kind, I've never shied away from discussions on death, especially my own impending demise. While most people hope for a quick and painless departure when their numbers are up, I for one, would gladly go from a heart attack from engaging in something orgasmically pleasurable. At least people can say that I left earth on a climatic bang with a happy ending.

 

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Physical discrimination
Why is there exercise discrimination when we always get to 'perform' yoga or Pilates but we only 'go' for a run or jog? Let me engineer some conspiracy theories while I orchestrate some bowel movement.

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Patriotic 
During the recent South East Asia Games, Singaporeans painted the town red in supporting Team Singapore. But when a visiting English Premier League soccer team thrashed our home boys, nobody saw red when we cheered the foreign talents. So it seems that our patriotism extends only within Asia and our appreciation of talents runs worldwide.

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Yummy
For a food show, if more than half the shots are on the pretty chef, then the chef is the featured dish. And the recipe usually includes: 2 fake eyelashes; a dash of mascara; a few pinches of blusher and 1 small teaspoon of lipstick; topped with a megawatt smile and serve while hot. 

More musings on myself. 

 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 8)

Wife
I know this day would come when my wife finally left me. The writings were on the wall since the past month but I was too blind to see. Despite much pleading, she still packed her suitcase and left at the crack of dawn so as not to create a scene. On the bright side, now I have the queen-size bed all to myself... at least for the next one week before the wifey returns from her Bangkok business trip.

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Sleeping partner
When I sleep, I like to cuddle and feel the warmth and scent of my sleeping partner. There are days when I want to be left alone to get some snooze but still see a head resting on my shoulder despite gentle nudges. I was glad this fellow passenger alighted a few stops before me and I could have some moments of peace before the train reached my station.

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Fuck
I can swear that ‘Fuck’ is perhaps the most versatile word in the English language. It can express happiness (fucking sweet!), sadness (I fucked up!), anger(fuck off), surprise (fuck me), or just simply the act of having sex as a noun or verb in its root meaning. Today is complicated. So I’m feeling ‘What the fuck me up sweet’.

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Bathroom scale
My old trusty analogue bathroom scale was beginning to show its age and gave the wrong reading lately with an extra 5kg. I decided to buy a new gleaming digital scale and it too gave the exact wrong reading! What are the odds!?

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Movie character
When it comes to movie characters, the oldest that ever graced the silver screen could be the lovable yellow pills that called themselves the Minions, since they exist even before the dinosaurs more than 65million years ago. They are also indestructible immortals in the same league as Thor and other superheroes but without the ego and violent streak. I'd apply to be a Minions' minion in a heartbeat.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 7)

Racist
I've been a racist for the past few years due to this arrogant race's global influence and numerical superiority. Indeed, the rest of the world have suffered much. One can only hope that this race- the human race- can change its ways and be a part of the world, rather than on top of it.

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Emotion
I finally couldn't control my emotion anymore and to make matter worse, it happened at the company canteen. My hanky was wet from multiple uses. I tried not to have eye contact with other colleagues seated around me and I couldn't leave my table without making a scene. Luckily nobody approached me to ask whether I'm ok. My ordeal ended when I finished the yummy but damned spicy curry chicken noodle which was making me sweat like a pig!

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Crossover movie
Just watched the best Marvel and DC crossover movie with non-stop action with superb storyline. You are right to say that this can only happen in my dream. Can't wait for the sequel tonight. Sorry I only have ticket for one.

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Year of the what
I don't understand the fuss on the need to identify the correct animal species for the Year of the Goat/Sheep/Ram. As an animal lover, I love them all the same as goat cheese, mutton soup and lamb chop.

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Wifey
Intimacy: when both hubby and wifey applying facial masks together
Lunacy: when the hubby snapped an unauthorised wefie
Hell's fury: when the wifey realised the pic would be posted on Facebook
Intimacy: when the said photo is now residing in Hell

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Chick magnet

Baby is natural chick magnet hence I always behave like one when I'm with my wife. But I've yet to have women hugging me or planting kisses on me. Maybe I didn't drool enough.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 6 -photo journal)

While cab-drivers have the misfortune of ferrying vanishing passengers when they bolted without paying, I had the rare fortune of witnessing my disappearing driver yesterday night on my way home. If the driver willingly leaves his vehicle and his day's income with a stranger, it must be for a good reason. 5mins later, he reappeared with a lighter bladder.

Qing Ming Festival- the time of the year when we offer our ancestors the latest in fashion, housing architecture and cars- all made in environmentally friendly paper materials for speedy same-day delivery. The only thing that worries me is the runaway inflation in Hell Bank since we had to send bag loads of cash in astronomical denomination. Perhaps what the underworld need are bankers to manage their finances and that is one thing we have in bag loads here on earth.

I have no need to buy the relaunched Tiger Beer 'original' 1965 can, as this karang guni is a proud owner of an ORIGINAL beer can which happened to be an accidental heirloom from my late grandma. She used it as a piggy bank and stuffed it to the brim with the first Marine series 50-cent and $1 coins, which are the real heirlooms. If you are wondering, none of the items mentioned above are for sale, yet.

Cheap and cute cable ties bought in Johor Bahru. Putting aside the blatant disregard for copyright, the manufacturer's flippant attitude in lumping all comic book superheroes as 'Avengers' is testament to Marvel's dominance in this genre, and the superhuman uphill battle facing DC Comics.

More musings on myself. 

 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 5)

I was conned into buying five work shirts during my recent trip to Seoul but I was too embarrassed to admit. The swindlers were so smooth that I was sold even without them speaking a word! Hey people! Don't be like me. Remember that clothes worn by the mannequins will definitely look 10 times better than you can ever pull off.

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Seven years can be a long time and I'm at the fork of the road to either continue with what I'm having or ditch the old and embrace the new. Hence I decided to step out and look at what the market has to offer and bought a new bolster.

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The Missus kept complaining that mine is too short and she would much prefer a longer one which will give her more joy. After many heated quarrels from me arguing that size doesn't matter, I finally bought a longer micro USB cable for better mobility for her device while charging.

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As I approach my big Four-Oh, I recall how this miserable wreck's life was transformed after I met my soul-mate some 14 years ago. Though it wasn't love at first sight, I've grown to be ever dependent as we became inseparable. Even in public places, I just couldn't stop myself cuddling and retreating into our own little world. There were days she would throw tantrums and become unresponsive. I just had to press the right buttons and her face would light up again. I know I'm getting mushy here but it is true that I just can't live without you. My dear mobile phone, you complete me.

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We shouldn't judge a person based on their looks be it a resting niceface, bitchface or a pokerface. The Missus and I used to tease one fatface a lot even though we know he's quite a nice guy underneath the blubber. The wife promised to stop teasing me if I slimmed down.

More musings on myself. 

 

 

Words of Wisdom (Part 3)

Here are my lines for today.
Why do I bother standing in line every morning at the train station to reach my workstation just to clear my projects before my deadline? Why am I asked to think out of the box but never to cross the line? Am I destined to be stuck in this production line in my life until I reach my finishing line? I tried calling the helpline for answers but it was offline. The bottom line is that I'm gonna get lines around my eyes and forehead sooner than later. I might as well acquire laugh lines along the way.

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Instagrope:
the act by your friend to forcefully take your mobile phone so that she can add her Instagram account to your followed list. Eg- I was instagroped during a gathering and was persuaded to like my friend's latest shots.

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 Pee
Casual chit-chat at the urinals should be banned since no man can multitask. If we start talking while holding on to our family jewel, we wouldn't be able to aim straight and we will wet ourselves. And if we have eye-contact with the other guy, we will inadvertently glance downwards at their package and compare with ours. Nobody fancy talking to their boss with their pants down right?

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Guru
There's no need to buy any self-help books or pay to listen to a life guru sprouting words of wisdom when they are staring at us all the time. For the procrastinators: Just Do It; the defeatists: Impossible is Nothing; the marketeers: Think Different; for the workaholics: Have a Break, Have a Kit Kat. Life's Great with these caring companies and I'm Lovin' It!

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Happy Birthday
Come to think of it, we shouldn't just hope to have a 'happy birthday' which is at a pathetic 0.3% return rate a year. We should all wish for a 'Happy Everyday' and have a blast all year round.

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Usual locations of common items arranged from the nearest to the furthest:
Info - at your fingertips
Your nemesis - under your skin
Ballpark figure - top of your head
Your well-conceived plan - down the drain
That thing you are looking for - last place you'd look
That email you sent your boss last week - black hole

More Words of Wisdom

Master post - Words of Wisdom

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 4)

 
Too proud to beg,
Too dumb to steal,
Too shy to ask,
Too stiff to learn,
Too meek to reject,
Too smart to admit any of that

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I don't go into discussions about whether I see my proverbial cup as half-empty or half-full. Because I always make sure my cup is overflowing at all times...with ice-cold beer. When I'm at play, it will be quench my thirst. When I'm at work, it will be dumped on those idiots who step on my toes, which I constantly need refilling!

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A senior and longtime middle-aged female colleague had this weird notion that I'm still single and wanted to intro a 'sweet girl with inner beauty' to me. While the identity of this girl will forever be a mystery, it is a bigger puzzle why my colleague thinks I make a good partner when my wife has been trying hard to seek a refund for this product that has grown bigger and softer. She should know that returned goods can only be accepted in its original state and unused.

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A good colleague used the 'F- word' on me today in front of others. I couldn't believe my ears that she would use such obscene language. But after my initial outrage subsided, I have to agree that I've grown fat.

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Planned obsolescence is a despicable strategy employed by tech giants to force you to 'upgrade' to their latest gadgets after only a few good years of usage. I discovered this practice has infiltrated the fashion industry as well, since my pants bought within the last two years all shrank at the same time now!

More musings on myself. 

 

 

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome perfectly describes how fans of a certain fruit company ignored the superb offerings from rival plantations for years and willingly forgive this company when it finally listens to their pleas and gives them a bigger fruit today. I'll not take a bite from this fruit since I have the entire orchard to choose from.

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 3)

While guys like me approaching the big Four-Oh aspire to be a 'hunkle' (Hunky uncle), most likely I'll just turn out to be a 'funkle' (fatty uncle). But since I don't have any nephews or nieces, technically I wouldn't get to be a bona fide uncle, so I'll just go straight from being a nerd to Dirty Old Man.

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I know that Facebook/personal blog can be a depressing place where you hate-read your friend's updates on their perfect life and their even more perfect meal. Allow me to reveal some nasty things about myself so you will feel better about yourself. I'm a bad liar, a horrible MCP and I'm a big failure in mastering any of those seven sins.

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I belong to a minority group that I keep a low profile to maintain harmony amongst my fellow Singaporeans. Should they become aware of what I believe in, they would treat me like a pariah, or worse, try to convert me into their brethren. But till the day I die, I'd still believe that you don't need to put chilli in every Singaporean cuisine!

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The government knows my identity card number and my blood type; my telco tracks my surfing habits and the places I go, and my credit card keeps a record of my purchases and my salary. The entity that knows all that info will have you eating out of its hand. Take heed from this victim and secure your data from your wife.

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I can always rely on my bros to circulate juicy pics and vids of women that form my wildest dreams and send my heart pounding. And I have to thank my wonderful wife for sending queasy stuffs from the other end of the spectrum beyond my worst nightmare and send my libido crashing.

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In most days, I'm having a ball of a time at work. But on occasions when someone doesn't play ball and drop the ball, am I supposed to pick it up and keep the ball rolling? Most likely, I'll end up as the ball being kicked around and invariably find myself in my own goal-post, having scored an own goal in the process.

More musings on myself. 

 

Master post: This Singapore nerd's musings on himself

Looks like a good idea to house all my musings on myself in one neat package here.

Part 12 (photo journal)

Part 11 (photo journal)

Part 10 (photo journal)

Part 9

Part 8

Part 7

 Part 6 (photo journal)

 Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

 Part 1

Words of wisdom (Part 2)

Senses

Best Taste – Anything cooked with love from your kitchen.
Best Sight – Your spouse drooling on the pillow while sleeping.
Best Sound – Your mum’s voice on the overseas call reminding you to wear and eat more.
Best Touch – Soothing tummy rub for your cat/dog (Non-pet-owners to replace pets with kids)
Best Smell – Your blanket after more than 3 months of daily usage. (6 months and above for best effect)

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To have a frown-free day ahead, you don't need to wear your power-suit or your most alluring perfume. You just need to wear a smile. However, the most effortless item one can have with them is often left behind at home before they go to work each morning, and only realised what they have forgotten when they saw it on the faces of others.

Shopping

Why do women like shopping so much?
Isn't shopping a waste of time and energy?
What is there to gain from all these shopping?
For clueless men who don't know how women think, just replace "shopping" with "football" and everything will be clear. This comes from someone who has attained enlightenment after years of undergoing retail-therapy.

Pirates

We are used to looking at online piracy from the viewpoint of the downloaders. We should shine the spotlight on the magnanimous uploaders instead. They provide a buffet spread of content like movies, TV shows, books, software and songs online for everyone to download for FREE and asking neither fame nor fortune in return. They should be hailed, not jailed.

Life

If we want peace and love in our lives, we have to take the effort to make them, preferably on a daily basis ;P

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I know of someone who likes to meddle in everything but no one appreciates. I would recommend everyone to take sometime to do absolutely nothing which your body and mind would certainly appreciate.

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I've learnt that when you have your loved ones by your side, no matter where in the world or what you are doing, it is never a waste of time.

More Words of Wisdom

Why Seven Deadly Sins are considered sins ONLY if you don't practice them

Lust

If great men didn't fall at the feet of beauties like Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe, history would be so boring and we wouldn't have tomes and movies on their steamy sexploits.

Gluttony

Life would be meaningless if we eat to live and not live to eat. Prisoners on death row don't ask for a chance to read 50 Shades of Grey or listen to Pharrell Williams' Happy. They want their last meal to be out of this world before they go out of this world.

Greed

Modern civilisation as we know it wouldn't exist if one person don't desire to have just a bit more than the next. New York with its cathedrals of capitalism would only be a figment of our imagination.

Sloth

All work and no play makes Jake a dead man at his desk without anyone realising it for days, thinking that he was the most hardworking chap to arrive the earliest and the last to leave. We should all stop and smell the roses and live an enchanted life.

Wrath

We owe a huge gratitude to a raving mad whistle-blower Edward Snowden to sound the death knell that echoes across the world, reminding us that we are living in a paranoid world gone mad.

Envy

An envious JFK succeeded in landing a man safely on the moon and back. And a bunch of green-eyed Chinese tycoons will ensure that the world's tallest buildings continue to sprout at their own backyards, pushing civil engineering to its limit, and Dubai out of the way.

Pride

Without it, we will be swimming in a sea of mediocrity not knowing the limits of human capabilities in achieving the highest, fastest or the strongest with trailblazers like Issac Newton, Usain Bolt and Steve Jobs being superheroes that exist only in our wildest dreams.

Off to the Big Apple

This Singapore nerd is going for a 10-day Manhattan walkabout on 25 June. Hence I'm consolidating all my replies here to my friends to save time rather than replying individually. Please read only the one that I'm writing to you and ignore the rest:

- luv u♥
- f**k u!
- let's get down and work on the proposal
- let's get down and dirty!
- so sorry for delaying your deadline
- you better be sorry or you're dead!
- is this the best that you can do?
- keep in touch, all the best.

This nerd's musings on himself (part 2)

Just watched two recent summer blockbusters X-Men Days of Future Past and Edge of Tomorrow which feature time travel that will mess up your head with the various paradoxes that it create. I too, can time travel into the future. If you wanna know what happens 1 hour from now, I'll tell you in 60mins time. Wanna travel back in time? Just look into my wardrobe.

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With my idol Ryan Giggs retiring from professional soccer from my beloved Manchester United, I have no more sporting heroes left for me to worship. I need a new team that exude great teamwork, grace and colourful characters with great physique. The Russian Women Synchronised Swimming team fits the bill...swimmingly.

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I am ashamed to say that I have been unfaithful recently. I was bored with my life so I tried something new and exotic. But after I gave in to my primal lust, it didn't last long to realise that they were just flings and didn't excite me like my true love who is able to keep me up all night. So no more English Breakfast Tea or Chai Latte, my heart belongs to Earl Grey.

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Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

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Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

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The award-winning theme song from the award-winning animation Frozen is a great inspirational song for all occasions. Especially now during my troubled time sitting alone on my throne when things don't go smoothly. I just sing in my head "Let it go, let it go, Can't hold it back anymore".

More musings on myself. 

A Singapore nerd's musings on himself (Part 1)

 Savvy manufacturers give their health drink bottles a svelte hourglass look to con impressionable consumers into believing that they would spot the same silhouette after downing litres of their products. I'm more rational in thinking that my shape will remain like the bottle at the extreme right.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

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 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

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I don't believe in fairies, karma, superstition and reincarnation. Wow! I'm so boring! Hope I'll be a swashbuckler in my next life fighting sea monsters and saving damsels in distress and live happily ever after. 

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Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

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Whether I'm at work or at home like today clearing my leave, my morning routine of drinking my white coffee while staring at my computer screen remains the same. The only difference is the amount of clothes I'm wearing.

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Those who know my family would know that my sister and I look alike. So I guess I'll know how I look like with make-up and how my sis will look like without.

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I had the most amazing police escape dream that featured the best clichés from Hollywood flicks. 1) Why the protagonist(that's me) is a wanted man is not important. 2) How the hero is able escape the multiple police traps and pursuits is beyond logic, and yet still managed to rendezvous with the girl. 3) Badly edited jump cuts and glaring plot holes. 4)The hero is saved by the alarm bell during the cliffhanger, which means there will be a sequel.

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I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

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Blue: How I'm feeling this week
Black: The colour of my face
Blue-black: My present to those who piss me off this week
Just kidding! I'll give my present to all my friends. I shouldn't discriminate.

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More musings on myself. 

 

Words of Wisdom (part 1)

Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

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Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

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Everything can be found online. If you can't find it now, it is either removed and will be back online in the future, or you are just not tech-savvy enough to find your way around in cyberspace.

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The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

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Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

More Words of Wisdom