On World Cup (soccer, not football)

The World Cup opening animation sequence is rather amusing. While I can accept that these people were watching an old school 4:3 TV in 2014 without any power cable, this guy came and knocked over the poor TV set and nobody noticed it. Since it is a magical TV, I'm sure it will be fine.

After watching all the World Cup teams in action, I'm now a fan of this great outfit that commands respect and strikes fear on the pitch. Though they are most often older than the other players, they have superb stamina and are shrewd enough to see past the theatrics of play-acting. So why can't I find a single referee jersey in the stores to show my support?

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It surely is a visual treat this World Cup season with an explosion of colours and hues on the pitch and I'm not talking about the players' jersey. While the sky is the limit on any creative design, each country is compel to use only their official colours since time immemorial for fear of incurring the wrath of their rabid supporters. Ironically, it is now the referee's time to shed their drab black uniform and embrace the rainbow like a kid in a candy shop.

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For the World Cup Final, I can predict with confidence that it will be a fight between these two juggernauts yet again: adidas and Nike, with the former having home ground advantage being the official sponsor. And the winner will be....FIFA! Laughing all the way to the bank.

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Watching a World Cup match is tedious trying to fix my eyes on the smallest round object on the screen which is constantly moving. Instead, I subliminally wants to fly Emirates to Brazil so that I can drive a Hyundai to buy a Sony 4K TV and watch soccer while drinking Budweiser beer. And of course I'll go all in or nothing and pay using my Visa. I'm lovin' it!

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I admire my Dad's blasé attitude to watching repeat telecast of World Cup matches. Despite knowing the scoreline, he would cheer and jeer as if it is a live match, and in most cases, managed to hoodwink my non-fan Mum into believing so. Feigned ignorance is bliss.

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(Previously published)

This World Cup season is perhaps the only time we wouldn't be labelled as unpatriotic fools donning other countries' colours with matching face-paint, especially where there are money to be made in betting the right team. We would just be called fools waking up at 3am (Singapore time) watching millionaires prancing at half-completed stadiums in a third-world country. The only legitimate thing to do at 3am is to pee, then go back to sleep.

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I would like to join a non-government, non-profit organisation that will have global impact with their wealth of history and enrich my life. The closest I can find is soccer body FIFA. Rather than a wealth of history, it has a wealth of $1billion in reserve; and rather than enrich my life, it sure can enrich my bank account since countries will clamour to wine and dine me to clinch their rights to host the next World Cup. And it definitely has global impact milking from the millions who made Soccer their religion. The Beautiful Game is played by men in suits at boardrooms and corridors of power, with the winners determined even before the ball is kicked on the pitch. Where do I sign up?

More musings on World Cup:
http://winstonchongsingapore.blogspot.sg/2014/06/more-on-world-cup_22.html 

More musings on soccer:

http://winstonchongsingapore.blogspot.sg/2014/02/musings-on-soccer-english-game-not.html 

On World Cup and Reunions

World Cup

This World Cup season is perhaps the only time we wouldn't be labelled as unpatriotic fools donning other countries' colours with matching face-paint, especially where there are money to be made in betting the right team. We would just be called fools waking up at 3am (Singapore time) watching millionaires prancing at half-completed stadiums in a third-world country. The only legitimate thing to do at 3am is to pee, then go back to sleep.

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I would like to join a non-government, non-profit organisation that will have global impact with their wealth of history and enrich my life. The closest I can find is soccer body FIFA. Rather than a wealth of history, it has a wealth of $1billion in reserve; and rather than enrich my life, it sure can enrich my bank account since countries will clamour to wine and dine me to clinch their rights to host the next World Cup. And it definitely has global impact milking from the millions who made Soccer their religion. The Beautiful Game is played by men in suits at boardrooms and corridors of power, with the winners determined even before the ball is kicked on the pitch. Where do I sign up?

More musings on soccer:
http://winstonchongsingapore.blogspot.sg/2014/02/musings-on-soccer-english-game-not.html

 

Reunions

It was great to meet up with my ex-colleagues for tea where most of the alumni brought their kids along. I don't think I'm ready to be a father when one mother used the same words to her toddler as how my wife would to me: "Sit properly!", "Don't talk with your mouth full!", "Stop crying!"

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A balloon is cute and cheery and yet an former university classmate whom I've not met in 10 years inflicted me with much pain and sorrow by using it as a verb on me. So now I've resolved not to attend anymore school reunions. And if you are one of those who have lost touch, yes, that was NOT me that you saw on the street the other day. And yes, now I hate balloons.

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Muffin is one of the most-loved pastry and I would be delighted to be associated with any words related to it like stud-muffin. So naturally I'm ecstatic when someone mentioned that I'm a great muffin top since it s the tastiest part with the crunchy crust and toppings.

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A close colleague mentioned that at a ripe old age of 40, I'm no longer a spring chicken. While I agree I may not possess the heaven-may-care youthful exuberance, I hope that this old rooster would have gained much worldliness and perseverance that rival the proverbial cockroach that refuse to die.

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 5)

"I'm bemused by my CEO's choice of a bat as his Line profile picture. Does he wish to have good fortune as how this creature symbolises in Chinese culture? Or is he running the company like Wayne Enterprises, fighting evil forces? If so, maybe I should change my profile pic to a robin so that he will get the hint."

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"The marvel of the telephone allows people across vast distance to touch each other. So far yet so near. But for my two co-workers seated a mere 5 metres apart, rather than a friendly shout or a face-to-face chat, the use of a phone-call exposes the wide gulf between the two, So near yet so far."

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"I've tried to arrange for a meeting with a Gen-Y colleague via email, Lync, SMS, Whatsapp and Line for an entire week and received the Silent Treatment without even a simple "will reply you". The ONLY situation you can give a co-worker the Silent Treatment is when you are dead. If not, once I get my hands on you, you'd wish you were."

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"Initially I thought my Gen-Y intern is more smart-alec than smart, which can still be a virtue in the creative industry. But after much observation, I discovered that there's more than meets the eye. I'll just call him Alec from now on."

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"While it is true that you are only as strong as the weakest link in your team and as fast as the slowest member in your department, it is entirely up to you to make the best or worst of your time spent in the company."

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"Let's face it. In a working environment, you don't need to kowtow to your f**kface boss or your obnoxious colleague with the in-your-face attitude. Give face to each other and resolve all misunderstandings face-to-face so nobody need to lose face. Most importantly, don't wash your office dirty laundry on Facebook!"

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

This nerd's musings on himself (part 2)

Just watched two recent summer blockbusters X-Men Days of Future Past and Edge of Tomorrow which feature time travel that will mess up your head with the various paradoxes that it create. I too, can time travel into the future. If you wanna know what happens 1 hour from now, I'll tell you in 60mins time. Wanna travel back in time? Just look into my wardrobe.

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With my idol Ryan Giggs retiring from professional soccer from my beloved Manchester United, I have no more sporting heroes left for me to worship. I need a new team that exude great teamwork, grace and colourful characters with great physique. The Russian Women Synchronised Swimming team fits the bill...swimmingly.

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I am ashamed to say that I have been unfaithful recently. I was bored with my life so I tried something new and exotic. But after I gave in to my primal lust, it didn't last long to realise that they were just flings and didn't excite me like my true love who is able to keep me up all night. So no more English Breakfast Tea or Chai Latte, my heart belongs to Earl Grey.

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Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

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Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

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The award-winning theme song from the award-winning animation Frozen is a great inspirational song for all occasions. Especially now during my troubled time sitting alone on my throne when things don't go smoothly. I just sing in my head "Let it go, let it go, Can't hold it back anymore".

More musings on myself. 

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (master post)

 Part 9

Part 8

Part 7

Part 6

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 4)

I organised a morning workshop for 35 male students aged 15-16, who descended upon the tea snack area like ravenous locusts and left nothing behind. Even though I have ordered extra portions, filling the stomachs of growing teenagers is a futile exercise nobody should ever attempt.

Saw the dagger clipped to the calendar next to the rear-view mirror of my company bus which is also used for ferrying actors and crew to filming locations. Pretty sure the weapon is not for self-defence for the driver against stressed-out violent directors. Most likely it is a handy tool for prima donna actresses to back-stab one another.

Definitions:

Meeting:
"shorthand reply to answer inquisitive cleaning ladies should you ever go to work earlier than usual for whatever reasons. This "meeting" will be understood immediately and you can be on your way to whatever stupid shit work that require you to wake up so damn early."

Work-Life Balance:
"As long as you finished all the work assigned to you on time, your boss' life will be balanced."

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Actual conversations in meetings somewhere in Singapore:

(Looking at the yearly expenditure report)
Boss: what do these freelancers do?
Admin staff: Freelancing


(Proposal on new facilities)
Boss: what's the purpose of this Relaxation Corner?
Staff: For employees to relax.

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"After years of working in the same company, I discover that the top 3 tips to a long and successful career are still: location, location, and location. Once you are summoned, it is important that you arrive as quickly as possible to prevent any aggravation from impatient and unreasonable forces that will put a dampener to the rest of your day even if you arrive just one minute late. Hence I'm happy my cubicle is situated less than 10 metres to the restroom, so when nature calls, I would gladly answer without delay!"

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"Just had a chat with a pretty English newscaster and realised she doesn't know what a powerbank is and I didn't have the heart to tell her I have three pieces. Does this mean I'm overqualified to be a newscaster?"

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"During a discussion on an upcoming team-building event, a nervous team leader hopes that the members would be pleasing to the eye, but I caution that 'good to see' would not be 'good to eat' - according to a well-known Chinese phrase 好看不好吃. I'm sorry, I shouldn't stereotype. There are also those lousy workers who are aesthetically-challenged."

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Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

A Singapore nerd's musings on himself (Part 1)

 Savvy manufacturers give their health drink bottles a svelte hourglass look to con impressionable consumers into believing that they would spot the same silhouette after downing litres of their products. I'm more rational in thinking that my shape will remain like the bottle at the extreme right.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

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 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

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I don't believe in fairies, karma, superstition and reincarnation. Wow! I'm so boring! Hope I'll be a swashbuckler in my next life fighting sea monsters and saving damsels in distress and live happily ever after. 

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Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

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Whether I'm at work or at home like today clearing my leave, my morning routine of drinking my white coffee while staring at my computer screen remains the same. The only difference is the amount of clothes I'm wearing.

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Those who know my family would know that my sister and I look alike. So I guess I'll know how I look like with make-up and how my sis will look like without.

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I had the most amazing police escape dream that featured the best clichés from Hollywood flicks. 1) Why the protagonist(that's me) is a wanted man is not important. 2) How the hero is able escape the multiple police traps and pursuits is beyond logic, and yet still managed to rendezvous with the girl. 3) Badly edited jump cuts and glaring plot holes. 4)The hero is saved by the alarm bell during the cliffhanger, which means there will be a sequel.

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I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

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Blue: How I'm feeling this week
Black: The colour of my face
Blue-black: My present to those who piss me off this week
Just kidding! I'll give my present to all my friends. I shouldn't discriminate.

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More musings on myself. 

 

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (part 3)

"When the boss addresses you as "friend" at the beginning of a conversation, what follows is usually not friendly."

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"Feel like working in a farm in my company. I can never bring the horse to the water, the cows refused to come home, and my stubborn colleague insisted on putting all the eggs in one basket. I think Old MacDonald had a better life."

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Public holiday on a Friday

"I can never understand the rationale for calling a 4-day work week like this week 'short', which is a mere 20% reduction from a normal 5-day week. Rather than spreading that 20% across the remaining 4 days to cover a week's worth of work, most will in fact, bring forward their lazy Friday mentality to Thursday, making it a 3-day work week. It is indeed a short week. Now I get it."

Working with government

"Working with government agencies can be an exasperating exercise not for the faint-hearted. For a mass public education project, this agency is insisting on cramping the messages in all 4 official languages in a tiny A4-sized poster. Perhaps they are thinking that ‘A4’ means ‘All-4’ languages? For their naivety, I’m giving them ‘A1’."

Working with intern

"I've yet to meet a Generation Y intern who has bowled me over in my company. On most cases, I look at them as the Gen 'Why'- as in 'why can't they deliver?' After a while, I just think 'Why bother'. It is sad that most lacked the 'X-factor' which was in greater supply in the previous Generation denoted by the same alphabet."

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"First time ever that an intern sang at the end of his first day in my dept! (It was 'Singin' In The Rain' since there was a downpour). Either he was on drugs, in which case I shall ask for some tomorrow. Or he knows Someone High Up which means nobody can touch him, in which case I shall be his BFF from tomorrow onwards."

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

Words of Wisdom (part 1)

Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

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Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

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Everything can be found online. If you can't find it now, it is either removed and will be back online in the future, or you are just not tech-savvy enough to find your way around in cyberspace.

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The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

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Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

More Words of Wisdom

Big announcement!!

I finally clinched my first stand-up comedy gig!! It will be in a local comedy festival in June. Though details are still being firmed up, I'll do a 30min talk set which I'll draw materials from my humour blog and write some new stuffs. I'm so happy, nervous and excited!! I just hope I don't make a fool of myself on that day. I have some free passes to my gig to give away to my fans. Please click here for details. Hurry! Limited stocks. http://bit.ly/1lzapPI