Open letters to Senior Pastor Lawrence Khong, Faith Community Baptist Church, Singapore

28 Feb 2014    
Dear Pastor Lawrence Khong,

It is me again. I would like to remind you that Oscar ceremony on Monday is hosted by Ellen DeGeneres- perhaps the most iconic gay figure in US. You might want to write to SingTel and StarHub and demand they stop telecasting the award ceremony as Ellen would crack self-deprecating jokes on being gay and make the world fall in love with her for illustrating the fact that gays are fun-loving bunch of people, living their lives. I don't think you'd like that.

Winston


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20 Feb 2014
Dear Pastor Lawrence Khong,
I feel sad for you for wasting precious time bashing gay people. Look at me, I'm a free-thinking humanist. There's no place I couldn't go, no food I wouldn't eat, nobody I can't be friends with. The world is a wonderful place if you only open your heart and mind. Thank you for reminding me that I should spend my limited time on Earth to spread happiness and laughter to those around me.

Winston

Train rides are fun! (part 1)

iPad = iNanny, Mother = iHelper, Boy = iSlave.

Definition of hell:

Going home for dinner after a long tiring and hungry day at work, seated in the cold train sandwiched between two people who ordered takeaways from McDonald's and KFC respectively.

Game on

On a crowded MRT train, instead of burying your head playing Candy Crush, I encourage all to watch the Grab A Seat game LIVE between pesky plump aunties and foreign workers. Over the years, I've met formidable rivals who displayed smooth leg shuffling manoeuvres and lightning quick buttock reflexes that put musical chairs champions to shame. I'd also hope everyone can hone their skills so that if they eventually grabbed a seat, they can give the prize to someone who truly deserves it like the elderly and expectant mothers.

Ventriloquist

We are all ventriloquists with the ability to project sound not through our mouths. Everyone will perform anywhere, anytime either with a shout or a whimper, when deep feelings build up inside us. When an anonymous performer gave a silent recital in a crowded air-con train, you can immediately feel the intensity and passion of this person. This virtuoso might even give an impromptu encore overwhelming the audience with cathartic emotions. That's when I usually pass out.

Hand counter

There are always interesting characters on the train like this pot-bellied Chinese man who is always seen with a hand counter. Looking at his discreet muttering, I can only guess he is reciting some religious scriptures to fulfill his daily quota. Or perhaps, he could be tracking the number of farts and body odour detected? With a high frequency of a click per minute, that might be true. And it would also explain his swearing under his breath.

Reading newspapers

When I've finished reading the two free newspapers TODAY and My Paper during my morning commute, it is tough for me to recycle. Leave it in the MRT train like what is practiced in London and be accused of littering? Or hand it back to a fellow commuter or the newspaper dispatcher and get a weird look? For others in the same predicament, I'll suggest recycling it by rolling the paper into a tube in a crowded train and poke your way out from immobile statues blocking at the door.

To the middle-aged woman on the crowded train:

I wasn't staring at you nor do I find you pretty. I was ogling at the cute girl seated behind you in my zombie state when you board the train and blocked my view!

Train rides are fun (part 2)

 

Musings on soccer (the English game, not American football)

Fully autographed Manchester United poster from an exhibition match played in Singapore in 2001, embellished with newspaper headlines, ticket and training pass

Soccer is perhaps the only sports that constantly mention two other legitimate sports in the same breath - diving and handball.

Allegiance 

After an almost complete clear-out of the long-serving backroom staff of my beloved Manchester United, I began to re-examine where my allegiance lies since the millionaire players come and go as well. And I discover that I'm actually a die-hard fan of the club crest, the mascot and the colour red being the only constant elements over the decade.

Small talk

The foolproof way to prove you are a fool, is to make small talk with your colleague on his soccer team after it was thrashed by its bitter rival. Only the closest friends and fellow die-hard fans can discuss on the agony of defeat. For the rest, I'll recommend sticking to the weather.

Favourite lines

 My family's favourite lines during a soccer match which can all be answered with "the players know ten times better"
1. He should have scored/passed/tackled from his position.
2. One goal cushion is not enough.
3. The goalpost is right in front, why did he aim for the sky?
4. He is marked, why they still pass to him? (For attacking teams)
5. What a stupid goal, why didn't they mark him? (For defending teams)

The daily grind

My In & Out Day

IN
1. Sucked in expanding waistline to no avail
2. Squeezed in crowded train staring at foreign workers staring at babes
3. Took in crap from boss who received bigger crap from regulator
4. Tucked in tasteless canteen food and realised I ordered the same shit yesterday.
OUT
1. Logged out from my workstation at the end of day and realised I didn't save the draft email.
2. Hang out with my buddies with my hung out gut
3. Let out a sigh of relief that weekend is here but realised I'll have to repeat everything on Monday
4. Over and out. Zzz


I'm fucking busy but I'd rather be busy fucking. The amount of time and energy spent on the former is inversely proportionate to the existence and quality of the latter.


Tucking fired!
Gonna leep like a slog tonight.
Tomorrow is another pay.
I should stop mow since I can't even skype correctly.

Life's little ironies

1. Hair

One can never use the amount of hair (or a total lack) on any body parts like armpits, legs and above lip, as an indication of the gender of the person. I've been wrong on more occasions than I can remember.  Men have follicle freedom from sexy bald head, manly 5-o'clock shadow or stubble to handle-bar award winning mustache and beard. But for women, there are only two categories: groomed or lazy.

2. Work

You don't mind spending more time in the office to clear your work on the eve of a long weekend simply because the boss is not around to disturb you with mundane requests and instructions.

3. Toilet paper

We pamper ourselves with toilet paper printed with the loveliest flower motif and yet we don't think twice before smearing it with the nastiest filth on the planet.

4. Busy

We are so busy that we never stop to say hello to our next-door neighbour of 10 years, yet we never fail to 'Like' or share a post written by a stranger halfway across the world.

5. Bus

You feel miffed that a fellow passenger would sit next to you on a relatively empty bus where there are plenty of seats around. But you feel depressed and lonely when a crowded bus fills up quickly around you except the seat next to you.


Read Life's Ironies Part 2




 

We are all animals

Sign of the time living in Canine theme-park

Canine theme park

My terrace house estate is a Canine theme park offering a 360 Sound Sight Smell experience.
Sound- the incessant barking from the crazy toy dog from next door at any moving objects that appear at the front gate.
Sight- dog poo landmines left around the estate by irresponsible owners and lazy maids after bringing their dogs out for walks.
Smell- the waft of pungent odour from the dirty golden retriever and its kernel from my other nonchalant neighbour.
Man's best friend is fast becoming my worst enemy.

Community spirit

Someone’s bright idea of instilling 'community spirit’ in my terrace house estate is to keep a free-range rooster which never fails to herald a new day as early as 6am depending on its walkabout route, weekends included. I believe a better way of fostering neighbour bonding is over a meal of either Hainanese Chicken Rice, or Malay Ayam Goreng or Indian Chicken Curry, which I can prepare at 6am this weekend.

Doggone it

As I’m slogging like a dog in the office with the days zooming by like dog-years, I should be getting my 20-year Long Service Award next year. However, as most of the time I’m running around like a headless chicken, it is a miracle that I’m not dead by now. Yet having said that, we should all have the ‘never-say-die’ mentality of a cockroach with its ability to survive anywhere. Alas! Whatever it is, I just want to be treated like a human being. Is that too much to ask for?

Year of the Horse

As we galloped into the Year of the Horse,  let me wish all to have the sharp senses of a Tiger to spot a Rat a mile away; the breath of a Dragon to scare those lazy Monkeys at work who only know how to eat Snake. Possessing the strength of an Ox coupled with the discipline of a morning Rooster, you will definitely be the top Dog reaping your well-deserved rewards to Pig out at the end of 2014.

Horsing around

In the Year of the Horse, stop being a workhorse and let people ride on top of you. Don't hold your horses in 2014 and let your inner warhorse run free. But don't get on your high horse and horse around when it comes to computer security because there are always Trojan horse malware in cyberspace.



 

Read all about it in newspapers

Major English newspapers in Singapore

 

 Clichés in headlines 

An appeal to our local scribes to stop using cliché rhyming headlines since time immemorial like 'Maybe Baby', 'Yummy Mummy', Flower Power’ and ‘Oodles of noodles’. It might not be a piece of cake to think out of the box, but I know good things come to those who wait. I hate to imagine what some ingenious scribe will pen for a Valentine's Day story of a romantic hubby covering the bed with flower petals -"Flower power for maybe baby"?

Reading on the train

When I've finished reading the two free newspapers TODAY and My Paper during my morning commute, it is tough for me to recycle. Leave it in the MRT train like what is practiced in London and be accused of littering? Or hand it back to a fellow commuter or the newspaper dispatcher and get a weird look? For others in the same predicament, I'll suggest recycling it by rolling the paper into a tube in a crowded train and poke your way out from immobile statues blocking at the door.

:(

Is it just me or is the world getting more depressing when you read the papers and find the colourful ads with shiny happy people bring you more joy and perk up your morning instead of the drab black words in a sombre news story. Maybe I should read the H&M catalogue instead every morning.

Special photo

 Photo Straits Times 5 Mar 2013

Kudos to Straits Times for .'preserving photo integrity' in not blurring out the offensive word on the t-shirt of the man in blue in front of the cortege in the story. Click photo to expand.
 

Astronaut wannabe

7 Feb 2014 TODAY newspaper

Disappointed that TODAY newspaper sent a wrong message by running a front page picture story on a 15-yr-old astronaut wannabe (sweet-looking though), whose inspiration came from 'watching science fiction movies' and 'attending air shows'. Doesn't she know that movies are more fiction than science and air shows are just, well, for show? If she caught any science and space documentaries on Discovery or Nat Geo, she would realise that a space walk is no child's play.

An alternative look at 20 advertising slogans

Advertising slogans serve to push the company's products and services into the hearts and minds of their target customers just enough for them to open their wallets. Here's my personal take on 20 famous words of wisdom coined over the decades, and my attempt to decipher their actual meanings.

On love, men and women

 

 

Three words that a man can say to his woman in different stages of his life and be happy:

'What's your name?'(one time use only)
'Wanna go out?' (second word interchangeable with 'make')
'Lets get married' (or in Singapore parlance 'Apply for flat? ')
'Let's make baby'(optional)
'I am sorry.' (Compulsory)

Musings on men:

1. A man will never complain if he has only his one favourite soccer jersey to wear for the rest of his life, but replace it with a hundred pieces from rival teams and the man would rather stay topless till he die.
2. A man would gladly chug from an unwashed beer mug passed around by his flu bugs-infested bros, but would not touch one with the slightest lipstick mark with a 10-foot pole.
3. A decade ago, a man would find the missus' obsessive grooming rituals of facial, manicure, pedicure and hair removal incomprehensible, but now would gladly join in the fun.

Musing on women:

1. The girlfriend will proudly deck in matching lovey-dovey outfits with her boyfriend and even post the photo online for all to see, but cry blue murder when her BFF wore the same gown as her in a glam party.
(sorry, only one musing for women, because the rest were not approved by my wife :P)

Dream

Last night ,my wife dreamt that I bought her a fake Louis Vuitton bag and she was so furious when she woke up. I felt so bad and I'm determined to dream tonight that I'll wine and dine her and bought her luxury gifts to make up to her, so that i can inform her tomorrow.

Musings on my mother

 

Mum preparing dinner

The guru

I realised I've been living with a great public relations guru under the same roof all these years. My Mum will reply to any questions that I'm asking with her prepared statements and if my queries don't fit her agenda, she will steer me towards that direction and I'll fall into her trap. Hmm...isn't that how all governments are treating their reporters? Civil servants please contact me for a quotation for a one-on-one lesson with my guru.

The shopper

My Mum's favourite 'brands' when she's doing her grocery shopping are 'Special Offer', 'Buy 1 Get 1 Free' and 'While Stocks Last'. Incidentally, those are mine as well. We are very loyal customers.

The fortune-teller

When I was little, my Mum always instructed me to finish each meal to the last grain of rice so that my future bride will have a complexion as clean as my empty bowl. Now that I'm married, I make sure there's a bit of leftover in my bowl, so that people know I don't keep a mistress on the side.

The grandma wannabe

Contrary to the local male actor who is embroiled in a love-child scandal, my grandchildren-crazy Mum will welcome any woman standing at our front-door with a kid that she claims has my genes - DNA test optional. If that day ever arrives, that woman better be Yoona from Girls' Generation.

You've got mail...and spam!

 

 

 My common email phrases and their actual meanings:

1. Nice talking to you (you are a bloody fool for wasting my time calling you)
2. Let me clarify (Why can't you open your eyes big big and read my email since I've explained already)
3. Appreciate your urgent look in this matter (If I don't hear from you within the hour, all hell will break loose)
4. Glad that you have found a greener pasture (Good riddance to you! I'm happy you are terrorizing another company now)

Acronyms

Absolutely hate it when external parties fill their emails with acronyms of their projects or departments without the decency to explain them, expecting the rest of the world to know what they mean. There are only a few globally standardised short-forms you can use in your daily work:
When a email arrived without any background or attachment, kindly reply with WTF (What's This For / Where's The File), and you will be greatly appreciated by the sender. And if your recipient is angry for whatever reason, you can reply with LOL (Lots of Love / Lots of Luck). Never ever end an email with RGDS (Really Gross Document Seriously!) unless you mean it.

Online persona

I have a colourful digital/online persona. My top Whatsapp contacts are women; headhunters are clamouring to connect me via LinkedIn, and my SMSes are filled with unsolicited spams from housing agents. But my favourite is my Yahoo mail where on a daily basis, strangers around the world showed genuine concern over the size of my manhood, and a Nigerian prince is eager to share his million dollar inheritance if only I helped with the remittance fee.

Long and hard

I had a long and hard look at how this copywriter must be sweating and getting his hands dirty coming up with suggestive email headlines in a bid to get his spam victims excited. I wonder how long he'll last before his juice runs out.

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me

 

Definition of work

The said piece of work shall be performed by the one:
- who lost to everyone in the taichi tournament,
- needs the work to be completed the earliest,
- and has the highest stake to lose should some brown stuff hit the rotating blades.

Angel vs Devil

Daily battle treading the fine line in office. The wisdom comes in knowing when to be the angel or the devil. It is survival of the fittest living in the jungle.
1. Value-add /vs / busybody
2. Delegate /vs /  Taichi
3. Prompt email reply /vs /  giving the impression that one has nothing else to do
4. Involve the whole department /vs / spread the workload
5. Collective agreement /vs /  all to shoulder blame
6. Suggest ideas /vs / sabo others

Letter exchanges between Father Ant and me

Dear Winston,
Thank you for being an animal-lover and taking care of my family with your biscuit crumbs, honey, coffee and tea spills at your office cubicle. Your kind gesture for not cleaning up has fed my extended family. And word has spread far and wide and my colony will brave the hostile long march to join me here. We are eternally in your debt.

Father Ant

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Dear Father Ant

Please do not circulate this! Your hostile long march is via my colleague's cubicle and she is adopting a 'press-to-kill' policy and has been giving me nasty looks. I might have to clean up my act very soon. Please look for another benefactor. No, don't come to my house, I'm already supporting a lizard family.

Winston 

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

Food, glorious food

At a relative's house, enjoying the best Lunar New Year seafood steamboat while watching live English Premier League soccer. I'm in heaven parking myself in the best seat in the house.

I'm heeding the doctors' advice to take my meals with moderation during this Lunar New Year festive season by just having ONE feast. It started on Thursday and will end on Sunday which includes occasional breaks and spreads across four locations around the country. It literally takes guts to be the last man burping.

Winston’s Equations on Food:

1. Burger set = balanced diet
2. Things that fly, crawl, swim = food
3. Things with roots = not food
4. Dishes with unpronounceable names = yucky /expensive stuff
5. Free lunch = winning a Scratch & Win contest = impossibility