Best of 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

 Actual conversations overheard

"Not speaking doesn't mean mute; not looking doesn't mean blind; not hearing doesn't mean deaf. Knowing the difference will separate the smart ones from the smart alecs."

"One's true colours will show after they leave the organisation and stop being your colleague. Either you gain a Best Friend Forever or you award that person with a Best Acting Award."

"When the boss addresses you as "friend" at the beginning of a conversation, what follows is usually not friendly."

"Feel like working in a farm in my company. I can never bring the horse to the water, the cows refused to come home, and my stubborn colleague insisted on putting all the eggs in one basket. I think Old MacDonald had a better life."

"Work can never be finished. We should always complete what we set out to do. Though both sayings are contradictory, they can be resolved by a third saying: Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life."  

"Common sense dictates that we should always clear the most important or urgent emails, but I always enjoy replying immediately to those without common sense."

 Actual conversations in meetings somewhere in Singapore:
(Looking at the yearly expenditure report)
Boss: what do these freelancers do?
Admin staff: Freelancing

 (Proposal on new facilities)
Boss: what's the purpose of this Relaxation Corner?
Staff: For employees to relax.


 World's best colleagues
"My colleague made me realised that I should cherish my quiet moments which I am at my most productive... whenever this colleague is not in the office."

"The only thing worse than a colleague who has forgotten your name is when she addresses you with the name of another colleague who you absolutely hate."

"I can read my colleague like a book simply because I don't think she ever reads."


"My colleague's car freshener scent smell exactly like the office toilet. Now whenever I'm in his car, I feel like peeing."


 "I've not spoken to my colleague for a month. Not that we are having a cold war, just that my Mum reminded me it is rude to interrupt."






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Five questions we often ask departing colleagues (and our real reasons behind them)

1. Where are you going? (so that I can laugh at that company's misfortune in hiring you)
2. Why are you leaving? (only now when you should have left a year ago and save us the misery)
3. Let's keep in touch (virtually so that I can block you on Facebook and email)
4. You will be missed (since we wouldn't have new fodder to gossip behind your back)
5. All the best in your future endeavour (in looking for another job 6 months down the road when your new employer realised their mistake in hiring you)

*****

" My Untried and Untested Office Survival tips when the Boss is on leave"

1. Email all projects that need your boss's approval and you will be effectively free for the rest of the day, unless if your boss happened to be on-the-ball and replies emails, in which case, you will need to repeat this step until he gets fed-up/ impressed by your 'hard work'.

2. Plan dept or inter-dept lunches so that there will be at least one common gossip agenda item.

3. Make [Alt+Tab] your best friend to switch screen should some idiots turn up at your cubicle and disrupt your full-time Facebooking or doing holiday research. Said idiots are most likely not your colleagues since they will be as busy as you doing the same thing.

4. Learn the delay/scheduled email sending function to give the illusion of your omnipresence at your desk where in fact, you are out for extended brunch cum lunch or gone for the day to catch the 6pm movie.

*****

"My tried and tested tips on surviving happily in the office"

1. While you can steal a peek at your colleagues' screen, don't be a busybody and comment whatever is on their screen, unless initiated by the colleague.


2. If your colleague buy snacks or cheapsake souvenirs from overseas, accept them graciously even if you are faking it.

3. If you are leaving your computer for extended period of time and can't be bothered to lock your screen, at least show your desktop or email programme and not face-palm sites like Facebook or travel sites researching for your next holiday.

4. If you are goofing during working hours by watching YouTube videos or playing online games, don't be an idiot and announce to the whole dept by blasting your speakers.

5. Don't compare salary or working hours. Life is unfair, get over it. You win some, you lose some.

6. Make common enemy from other departments amongst your colleagues, great for bonding.

 *****

Definitions:

Meeting:
"shorthand reply to answer inquisitive cleaning ladies should you ever go to work earlier than usual for whatever reasons. This "meeting" will be understood immediately and you can be on your way to whatever stupid shit work that require you to wake up so damn early."

Work-Life Balance:
"As long as you finished all the work assigned to you on time, your boss' life will be balanced."
  
 Work
The said piece of work shall be performed by the one:
- who lost to everyone in the taichi tournament,
- needs the work to be completed the earliest,
- and has the highest stake to lose should some brown stuff hit the rotating blades.

*****

Angel vs Devil

Daily battle treading the fine line in office. The wisdom comes in knowing when to be the angel or the devil. It is survival of the fittest living in the jungle.
1. Value-add /vs / busybody
2. Delegate /vs /  Taichi
3. Prompt email reply /vs /  giving the impression that one has nothing else to do
4. Involve the whole department /vs / spread the workload
5. Collective agreement /vs /  all to shoulder blame
6. Suggest ideas /vs / sabo others

*****

Irate caller

Had a rough day at work and the last thing I needed was a phone call from an irate caller who managed to get my direct line and complained about the bad customer service and launched into a personal attack that I'm as "lousy" as the company that I'm working in. Maintaining my utmost professionalism, I replied to this elderly lady that I'll convey her feedback to my CEO. And I ended the conversation by saying "Yes, I'll be back for dinner tonight Mum."

*****

Letter exchanges between Father Ant and me

Dear Winston,
Thank you for being an animal-lover and taking care of my family with your biscuit crumbs, honey, coffee and tea spills at your office cubicle. Your kind gesture for not cleaning up has fed my extended family. And word has spread far and wide and my colony will brave the hostile long march to join me here. We are eternally in your debt.

Father Ant

-------------------------------------
Dear Father Ant

Please do not circulate this! Your hostile long march is via my colleague's cubicle and she is adopting a 'press-to-kill' policy and has been giving me nasty looks. I might have to clean up my act very soon. Please look for another benefactor. No, don't come to my house, I'm already supporting a lizard family.

Winston



 

Best of 'This Singapore nerd's musings on himself'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

*****

 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

*****

Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

*****

I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

*****

 Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

*****

Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

*****

 While guys like me approaching the big Four-Oh aspire to be a 'hunkle' (Hunky uncle), most likely I'll just turn out to be a 'funkle' (fatty uncle). But since I don't have any nephews or nieces, technically I wouldn't get to be a bona fide uncle, so I'll just go straight from being a nerd to Dirty Old Man.

*****

I know that Facebook/personal blog can be a depressing place where you hate-read your friend's updates on their perfect life and their even more perfect meal. Allow me to reveal some nasty things about myself so you will feel better about yourself. I'm a bad liar, a horrible MCP and I'm a big failure in mastering any of those seven sins.

*****

I belong to a minority group that I keep a low profile to maintain harmony amongst my fellow Singaporeans. Should they become aware of what I believe in, they would treat me like a pariah, or worse, try to convert me into their brethren. But till the day I die, I'd still believe that you don't need to put chilli in every Singaporean cuisine!

*****

The government knows my identity card number and my blood type; my telco tracks my surfing habits and the places I go, and my credit card keeps a record of my purchases and my salary. The entity that knows all that info will have you eating out of its hand. Take heed from this victim and secure your data from your wife.

*****

I can always rely on my bros to circulate juicy pics and vids of women that form my wildest dreams and send my heart pounding. And I have to thank my wonderful wife for sending queasy stuffs from the other end of the spectrum beyond my worst nightmare and send my libido crashing.

*****

 

 Too proud to beg,
Too dumb to steal,
Too shy to ask,
Too stiff to learn,
Too meek to reject,
Too smart to admit any of that

*****

 
I don't go into discussions about whether I see my proverbial cup as half-empty or half-full. Because I always make sure my cup is overflowing at all times...with ice-cold beer. When I'm at play, it will be quench my thirst. When I'm at work, it will be dumped on those idiots who step on my toes, which I constantly need refilling!

***** 

A senior and longtime middle-aged female colleague had this weird notion that I'm still single and wanted to intro a 'sweet girl with inner beauty' to me. While the identity of this girl will forever be a mystery, it is a bigger puzzle why my colleague thinks I make a good partner when my wife has been trying hard to seek a refund for this product that has grown bigger and softer. She should know that returned goods can only be accepted in its original state and unused.

***** 

A good colleague used the 'F- word' on me today in front of others. I couldn't believe my ears that she would use such obscene language. But after my initial outrage subsided, I have to agree that I've grown fat.

***** 

Planned obsolescence is a despicable strategy employed by tech giants to force you to 'upgrade' to their latest gadgets after only a few good years of usage. I discovered this practice has infiltrated the fashion industry as well, since my pants bought within the last two years all shrank at the same time now!
 

The Missus kept complaining that mine is too short and she would much prefer a longer one which will give her more joy. After many heated quarrels from me arguing that size doesn't matter, I finally bought a longer micro USB cable for better mobility for her device while charging.

*****

As I approach my big Four-Oh, I recall how this miserable wreck's life was transformed after I met my soul-mate some 14 years ago. Though it wasn't love at first sight, I've grown to be ever dependent as we became inseparable. Even in public places, I just couldn't stop myself cuddling and retreating into our own little world. There were days she would throw tantrums and become unresponsive. I just had to press the right buttons and her face would light up again. I know I'm getting mushy here but it is true that I just can't live without you. My dear mobile phone, you complete me. 

 

 

 

Best of 'Words of Wisdom'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

Mighty
Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

*****

Wardrobe
Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

*****

Email
The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

  *****

 Feelings

Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

*****

Senses
Best Taste – Anything cooked with love from your kitchen.
Best Sight – Your spouse drooling on the pillow while sleeping.
Best Sound – Your mum’s voice on the overseas call reminding you to wear and eat more.
Best Touch – Soothing tummy rub for your cat/dog (Non-pet-owners to replace pets with kids)
Best Smell – Your blanket after more than 3 months of daily usage. (6 months and above for best effect)

  *****

:)
To have a frown-free day ahead, you don't need to wear your power-suit or your most alluring perfume. You just need to wear a smile. However, the most effortless item one can have with them is often left behind at home before they go to work each morning, and only realised what they have forgotten when they saw it on the faces of others.

  *****

Shopping
Why do women like shopping so much?
Isn't shopping a waste of time and energy?
What is there to gain from all these shopping?
For clueless men who don't know how women think, just replace "shopping" with "football" and everything will be clear. This comes from someone who has attained enlightenment after years of undergoing retail-therapy.

  *****

Pirates

We are used to looking at online piracy from the viewpoint of the downloaders. We should shine the spotlight on the magnanimous uploaders instead. They provide a buffet spread of content like movies, TV shows, books, software and songs online for everyone to download for FREE and asking neither fame nor fortune in return. They should be hailed, not jailed.

  *****

Life

> If we want peace and love in our lives, we have to take the effort to make them, preferably on a daily basis ;P

>I know of someone who likes to meddle in everything but no one appreciates. I would recommend everyone to take sometime to do absolutely nothing which your body and mind would certainly appreciate.

>I've learnt that when you have your loved ones by your side, no matter where in the world or what you are doing, it is never a waste of time.

*****

Here are my lines for today.
Why do I bother standing in line every morning at the train station to reach my workstation just to clear my projects before my deadline? Why am I asked to think out of the box but never to cross the line? Am I destined to be stuck in this production line in my life until I reach my finishing line? I tried calling the helpline for answers but it was offline. The bottom line is that I'm gonna get lines around my eyes and forehead sooner than later. I might as well acquire laugh lines along the way.

*****

Instagrope:
the act by your friend to forcefully take your mobile phone so that she can add her Instagram account to your followed list. Eg- I was instagroped during a gathering and was persuaded to like my friend's latest shots.

*****

 Pee
Casual chit-chat at the urinals should be banned since no man can multitask. If we start talking while holding on to our family jewel, we wouldn't be able to aim straight and we will wet ourselves. And if we have eye-contact with the other guy, we will inadvertently glance downwards at their package and compare with ours. Nobody fancy talking to their boss with their pants down right?

*****

Guru
There's no need to buy any self-help books or pay to listen to a life guru sprouting words of wisdom when they are staring at us all the time. For the procrastinators: Just Do It; the defeatists: Impossible is Nothing; the marketeers: Think Different; for the workaholics: Have a Break, Have a Kit Kat. Life's Great with these caring companies and I'm Lovin' It!

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 7)

Racist
I've been a racist for the past few years due to this arrogant race's global influence and numerical superiority. Indeed, the rest of the world have suffered much. One can only hope that this race- the human race- can change its ways and be a part of the world, rather than on top of it.

*****

Emotion
I finally couldn't control my emotion anymore and to make matter worse, it happened at the company canteen. My hanky was wet from multiple uses. I tried not to have eye contact with other colleagues seated around me and I couldn't leave my table without making a scene. Luckily nobody approached me to ask whether I'm ok. My ordeal ended when I finished the yummy but damned spicy curry chicken noodle which was making me sweat like a pig!

 *****

Crossover movie
Just watched the best Marvel and DC crossover movie with non-stop action with superb storyline. You are right to say that this can only happen in my dream. Can't wait for the sequel tonight. Sorry I only have ticket for one.

 *****

Year of the what
I don't understand the fuss on the need to identify the correct animal species for the Year of the Goat/Sheep/Ram. As an animal lover, I love them all the same as goat cheese, mutton soup and lamb chop.

 *****

Wifey
Intimacy: when both hubby and wifey applying facial masks together
Lunacy: when the hubby snapped an unauthorised wefie
Hell's fury: when the wifey realised the pic would be posted on Facebook
Intimacy: when the said photo is now residing in Hell

*****

Chick magnet

Baby is natural chick magnet hence I always behave like one when I'm with my wife. But I've yet to have women hugging me or planting kisses on me. Maybe I didn't drool enough.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 6 -photo journal)

While cab-drivers have the misfortune of ferrying vanishing passengers when they bolted without paying, I had the rare fortune of witnessing my disappearing driver yesterday night on my way home. If the driver willingly leaves his vehicle and his day's income with a stranger, it must be for a good reason. 5mins later, he reappeared with a lighter bladder.

Qing Ming Festival- the time of the year when we offer our ancestors the latest in fashion, housing architecture and cars- all made in environmentally friendly paper materials for speedy same-day delivery. The only thing that worries me is the runaway inflation in Hell Bank since we had to send bag loads of cash in astronomical denomination. Perhaps what the underworld need are bankers to manage their finances and that is one thing we have in bag loads here on earth.

I have no need to buy the relaunched Tiger Beer 'original' 1965 can, as this karang guni is a proud owner of an ORIGINAL beer can which happened to be an accidental heirloom from my late grandma. She used it as a piggy bank and stuffed it to the brim with the first Marine series 50-cent and $1 coins, which are the real heirlooms. If you are wondering, none of the items mentioned above are for sale, yet.

Cheap and cute cable ties bought in Johor Bahru. Putting aside the blatant disregard for copyright, the manufacturer's flippant attitude in lumping all comic book superheroes as 'Avengers' is testament to Marvel's dominance in this genre, and the superhuman uphill battle facing DC Comics.

More musings on myself.