Best of 'This Singapore nerd's musings on himself'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

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 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

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Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

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I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

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 Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

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Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

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 While guys like me approaching the big Four-Oh aspire to be a 'hunkle' (Hunky uncle), most likely I'll just turn out to be a 'funkle' (fatty uncle). But since I don't have any nephews or nieces, technically I wouldn't get to be a bona fide uncle, so I'll just go straight from being a nerd to Dirty Old Man.

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I know that Facebook/personal blog can be a depressing place where you hate-read your friend's updates on their perfect life and their even more perfect meal. Allow me to reveal some nasty things about myself so you will feel better about yourself. I'm a bad liar, a horrible MCP and I'm a big failure in mastering any of those seven sins.

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I belong to a minority group that I keep a low profile to maintain harmony amongst my fellow Singaporeans. Should they become aware of what I believe in, they would treat me like a pariah, or worse, try to convert me into their brethren. But till the day I die, I'd still believe that you don't need to put chilli in every Singaporean cuisine!

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The government knows my identity card number and my blood type; my telco tracks my surfing habits and the places I go, and my credit card keeps a record of my purchases and my salary. The entity that knows all that info will have you eating out of its hand. Take heed from this victim and secure your data from your wife.

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I can always rely on my bros to circulate juicy pics and vids of women that form my wildest dreams and send my heart pounding. And I have to thank my wonderful wife for sending queasy stuffs from the other end of the spectrum beyond my worst nightmare and send my libido crashing.

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 Too proud to beg,
Too dumb to steal,
Too shy to ask,
Too stiff to learn,
Too meek to reject,
Too smart to admit any of that

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I don't go into discussions about whether I see my proverbial cup as half-empty or half-full. Because I always make sure my cup is overflowing at all times...with ice-cold beer. When I'm at play, it will be quench my thirst. When I'm at work, it will be dumped on those idiots who step on my toes, which I constantly need refilling!

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A senior and longtime middle-aged female colleague had this weird notion that I'm still single and wanted to intro a 'sweet girl with inner beauty' to me. While the identity of this girl will forever be a mystery, it is a bigger puzzle why my colleague thinks I make a good partner when my wife has been trying hard to seek a refund for this product that has grown bigger and softer. She should know that returned goods can only be accepted in its original state and unused.

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A good colleague used the 'F- word' on me today in front of others. I couldn't believe my ears that she would use such obscene language. But after my initial outrage subsided, I have to agree that I've grown fat.

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Planned obsolescence is a despicable strategy employed by tech giants to force you to 'upgrade' to their latest gadgets after only a few good years of usage. I discovered this practice has infiltrated the fashion industry as well, since my pants bought within the last two years all shrank at the same time now!
 

The Missus kept complaining that mine is too short and she would much prefer a longer one which will give her more joy. After many heated quarrels from me arguing that size doesn't matter, I finally bought a longer micro USB cable for better mobility for her device while charging.

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As I approach my big Four-Oh, I recall how this miserable wreck's life was transformed after I met my soul-mate some 14 years ago. Though it wasn't love at first sight, I've grown to be ever dependent as we became inseparable. Even in public places, I just couldn't stop myself cuddling and retreating into our own little world. There were days she would throw tantrums and become unresponsive. I just had to press the right buttons and her face would light up again. I know I'm getting mushy here but it is true that I just can't live without you. My dear mobile phone, you complete me.