Five things I've learnt during the 10-day Osaka-Kyoto trip:

1. You can still get food poisoning in a First World country like Japan if you are unlucky like me. Thus it is imperative to have insurance coverage and a flexible itinerary to make last-minute changes. 

2. All shopping malls and shops seemed to be using the same English CD of Xmas songs this December and I've heard the same Beatles Xmas song more than I can remember.

3. Osaka (and I believe the entire Japan consists of 2 worlds: above ground and underground. Not only can you go anywhere via the extensive underground train network, it is also possible to live your entire life not seeing the sun since everything under the sun is available under the ground.

4. We have all heard the saying that there are no ugly women, only lazy ones. I observed that all young Japanese girls are very hardworking following the same template and thus appearing alike...not that I'm complaining.

5. F&B establishments cater to smokers and/or non-smokers But I don't think anyone has looked into the health effects of secondhand smoke on the poor non-smoking wait staff.

Winston's running equation

weekend long run + chips binge = happiness
Happiness + guilt = Monday evening run 

Feeling blue in a sea of red as the world fades to black

Bitchy whore

Filipino president Duterte scolded his American counterpart Obama using the Tagalog expression "putang ina" which can mean "son of a whore" or "son of a bitch". To me, these two words are never interchangeable. If you are dealing with a whore, you are looking for a good time; pay to drop your pants and will always get a happy ending. If you have a bitch on your hand, there's never a good time; pray you wouldn't lose your pants, and you'd be happy when it all ends.

5039

Let me predict what would happen from Joseph Schooling's historic Olympics gold medal win in 100m Butterfly event:
1. 5039 (timing of 50.39sec) will be the hottest 4D number and Joseph's latest tattoo.
2. The 50.39sec clip will be played 5,039 times per hour for the next 5.039 days.
3. Singapore's first Olympics silver medalist weightlifter Tan Howe Liang will heave a sigh of relief lasting 50.39sec when the media can finally leave him alone every 4 years for interviews.

Pokemon Oh!

There are 2 groups of people in the world now: Pokemon Go and Pokemon Go-To-Hell.

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Nine out of 10 teenagers standing in the middle of nowhere swiping their phones are playing Pokemon Go. The solitary teen is busy downloading the game.


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On Pokemon Go I attained the highest level of enlightenment and ultimate power by performing the following function no players have ever done before! Click on the app> drag to uninstall> press 'OK'.

Déjà vu

Straits Times by publishing the same piece of news twice today in two sections (Home and Sports), is doing a good job in explaining the local term "double confirm", and giving readers a taste of how 'repeat telecast' will look like in print.

My morale

Working in my new office complex is affecting my morale. Every day at lunchtime and when I finish work, when I'm taking the lift, I'll hear the Voice saying "Going down", which seems to suggest how my career will pan out. As if it is not enough, the Voice will add "Doors are closing", telling me my options are getting fewer and time is running out. Sigh.

Time is precious

Time is precious hence losing even a second feels painful. On the other hands, I still have my minutes and hours to cherish and I should stop clocking anymore time puns on my blog and have more facetime with my loved ones instead.

Last evening

Last evening, a tall slim woman whispered to me "Want to have a good time?" and slipped a pill to me. In a moment of folly, I swallowed it and immediately felt light-headed. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the bed with her next to me. What have I done?! Oh, I took the sleep-inducing flu tablet and I feel great this morning! Thanks wifey!

Get to know me

I'm proud to say that I'm charismatic, humorous, intelligent, and still shy to admit that I'm the perfect gentleman. Oh, by the way, I'm also an incorrigible liar.

Wireless

Wow! 'Wireless'! Didn't know Uniqlo is into wearable technology. I couldn't find a similar model in the men's section though. I think there's gender discrimination here.

Pinned post: What you WOULDN'T find in this blog

1. Porn: there are loads of online sexperts providing an excellent hand-y job in this area already.  

2. Personal porn: you can have a ball of a time elsewhere ogling at female bloggers slash model slash actress slash race queen providing revealing selfies. No need for this nerd to pimp himself.

3. Food porn: I don't own a DSLR nor do I get to eat for free. iEat, iBurp, iShit. 

4. Word porn: I find scolding jerks using vulgarities or genitalia a lazy cop-out. There are far more flowery words to choose to insult someone with greater effect.

5. Social porn: no inspirational quotes or funny pics circulated ad nauseam here. Your Facebook feeds should have all the latest gossip. 

Lastly, no racial, religious or political shit. I like my readers to have a good time here. The world is depressing enough.


I've thought long and hard on how to promote my humour blog. One way is to get someone famous to plug it and it will go viral. Perhaps I can be famous myself and promote my blog! But then again, if I'm famous, then I don't need to promote it so much and I can just write for leisure like what I'm doing now...which means I've already reached my goal!

Public service announcement

There are lots of people who look perfectly normal on the outside but are actually quite crazy. If you have the misfortune to meet one, just keep calm and agree with whatever they write on their blog like the one you are reading now.

Thank you for reading this

A little project I started in 2014 on a whim has reached a big milestone, at least for me. This blog has garnered more than 100,000 page views since its inception. I'm glad that there are people around the world who like my brand of satire. Since you are one of them reading this now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Need to change my bad habit of easily getting distra

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 11 -photo journal)

Just saying. Since these handsome dudes are listed as identical, this newspaper can just put one photo and list the other 2 bros as 'same as above'.

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Two cute mice frolicking in a bed of warm cheese

oh wait... rats!

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It is the time of the year for my company's annual performance review where everyone hopes to have a fatter wallet and a higher pay grade. For me, the most likely chance of getting a promotion is this one offered by the supermarket.

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Isn't my tin box of cables just like our lives? We present a nice package on the outside to the world as we accumulate entanglements through the years and become more connected to people and things. Sooner or later, something's gotta give. It is either your sanity or your time or both. For me, anything more than the fingers you have are too much for anyone to grasp in life.

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In this advertising spread on pre-school education, it is understandable that caring nurturing women teachers are featured instead of creepy men. But even the kids featured are adorable girls and no naughty boys in sight. Looks like we men don't make good teachers or students. And that leaves us to be good fathers and lovers. And if we can't even do that, then we are really good for nothing.

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Some might be surprised to learn that this pic is actually cropped from the cover pic of Korea's sexiest new girl group Stellar's latest mini-album, which illustrates once and for all, that music transcends language. This and most K-Pop girl acts have the knack of getting the heart racing even before they open their mouths. I wonder why.

More musings on myself. 

Happy V Day....meh

Shopping malls have been blaring Lunar New Year ditties ad nauseam for the past 1 month. I hope the smart ones can quickly switch their playlist to love ballads in time for Valentine's Day this Sunday. Wholesome songs of yesteryears like Bump 'n' Grind (R Kelly), I'll Make Love To You (Boyz II Men), and Sweat A La La La Long (Inner Circle) would surely send heartbeats soaring, and our government happy 9 months later.

Happy 2016 Lunar New Year....meh

Everyone knows I'm a straight talker so I wouldn't bore you with any auspicious greetings this Lunar New Year. So for 2016, I hope everyone will LOSE big time...on your weight; CRY a lot...with tears of joy; and HURT badly...at your belly from laughing too much.

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A friendly reminder for those giving out red packets to give out those with monkey motifs first. If not, you would have to wait 12 years later to use them. Similarly, if you are the hoarder, it is time to dig up those retro primates you kept since 2004.  Your impish nephew couldn't care less since he would be more interested in what's inside the monkey than how it looks.

69

Just two weeks into the new year and it is already shaping up as an eventful year for those aged 69. Two left this world- David Bowie and Alan Rickman; one on top of the world - Sylvester Stallone winning his first-ever Golden Globe. The question is - will this idiot destroy the world - Donald Trump?

Happy new whatever

At my age, it is 10..9...8.... zzz
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You wouldn't find me posting new year resolutions here which I would then procrastinate for the next 3 months. I'm already doing that everyday. In fact, I intended to post this last year this time and only get around doing it now.

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Winston says 'Have clean office mug, will have stain-free life in new year'. (This explains why I'm scrubbing like mad now).