Yuletide greetings....right

My only wish for this Christmas is a good pair of earphones... so that I can shut out the !@#$% Christmas carols that are being played everywhere, including my office. Before we can wish for world peace, let me have some inner peace first.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes - My hazy post (updated 19 Oct)

Haze haze, Go away
Come again? Someone will pay!

 *****

Any smart Singaporean will look beyond the haze situation and see something positive. I tried doing that and I'm positive that the only thing I see is just more haze.

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I think it is fair to say that all Singaporeans would have experienced our local version of '50 shades of grey' from the haze from the past two months and counting. Similar to those who have watched the erotic movie, Singaporeans are left gasping for air at the horror they have witnessed, and hoping to sue the perpetrators for the anguish they have suffered.

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Halloween 2015: Most common fashion accessory- a N95 face mask. Most scary costume - Indonesian palm plantation owner with a lighted match in one hand and a bottle of palm oil in the other.

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 PSI says 80, but looks like 100, smells like 150 and yet my body feels like 50. WTF! Which sense should I trust before I go for my run? I'll rely on my common sense....and be a couch potato instead.

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Note to self when wearing face-mask :
1. Don't stick your tongue out and taste the face-mask. It is not food. Bad tongue. Serve you right.
2. You already had lunch. Don't burp into the mask and re-sample what you ate. Stupid tummy.
3. Don't wipe your face or mouth with face-mask. It is not a tissue-paper.

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I'm not able to admire the dolled-up office ladies each morning on my way to work now that they have an additional fashion accessory of a face-mask. But it is surprising to note that with only the peepers in view, it is still possible to distinguish the babes from the non-babes.

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Though schools are closed today (25 Sep), adults will still dutifully report for work so as to use the office aircon and charge their electronic devices and powerbanks. And thus smart employers should allow their staff to work from home. Have I ever told you that I have a clever boss?

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 Nothing like a hint of blue sky to chase the blues away. Let's keep it up, or rather, the PSI down. And if all goes well, the only burnt smell Singapore gets over the weekend will be concentrated at the Marina Bay area from the tyres of 20 F1 cars.

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Rare local sights: 1. An llao llao outlet with no queue. 2. Tech shows with no credit card booths. 3. A train with no one playing Candy Crush. 4. Blue sky.

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I can see immediate effect of the haze on my health. Since I'm forced to stay indoors, I had to forego my evening runs. And I end up exercising my mouth muscles from nibbling on junk food while watching Netflix. I think I would be healthier outdoors with the haze than indoors.

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latest scoreline:
Haze 1- Thunderstorm 0
Constant clicking on 'Refresh' button 1 - NEA Haze microsite 0  (the site crashed)

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 Urgent need of Graphic Designer to manipulate the picture I see out of my window. Need to import white clouds, enhance blue sky and delete the f**king haze! I don't need to see 50 shades of grey!

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Desperate times call for desperate measures. During this hazy period, we should maintain our last line of natural air filtration and let our nose hair grow and flourish. Health is more important than committing social faux pas.

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 10 -photo journal)

Hope this caterer can deliver their food to their customers as airtight as their tissue pack as seen in my futile attempt to open it, and at the same time, not taste like it.

This is a rather hilarious album cover by K-pop girl group T-ara. In a group where every member possesses endless long legs, the shortest of them all (third from left) was forced to remain seated so as to present a more visually-pleasing image. Another member was forced to sit with her just so that the shortie don't feel like a sore thumb.

For the first two days when I saw this cup being left in the men's toilet, I feel sad for the guy who might be desperately searching high and low for it. After a week, now I feel sad for the cup for being abandoned and trapped, having to listen to lame small talks; witness pimple-popping and breath in noxious gas. I hope some kind souls can adopt it.

Not sure whether anyone told this retro dim sum institution that their website address will lead to nowhere. But then again, for F&B establishments where their menu remain unchanged even before the advent of the Internet and email, the only contact point they would ever need is the good ol phone.

Just spotted this little faux pas. Perhaps that's how foreign reporters react whenever they spot a 'SG' followed by a number. This little typo might just inadvertently highlight the real story that SG have spent tons of $ for its 50th birthday celebration.

More musings on myself. 

Better video- Zebra dove feeding its two chicks on my window ledge

Zebra dove feeding its chick in its nest on my window ledge

Post Singapore GE2015 musings

Whenever 'landslide' is mentioned, it is always followed by the body count and rebuilding efforts. In Singapore's context, the entire country has suffered and it will take at least the next 5 years to rebuild.

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It has become a Super White day for the ruling party. For opposition parties' supporters, the Chinese term would better reflect how you feel now.

Musings on General Election 2015

I absolutely agree! Top on my list are: slumber party, summer party, durian party and of course birthday party!

In this general election, there are more assassinations committed in the past one week- character-wise, than there were in the past decade, body-wise. And there are more mentions of 'checks and balance' in the past week by people not trained in finance, than there are in an entire accounting textbook.

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This election season of mud-slinging, snide sarcastic remarks, posturing and forced smiles could be refreshing for some. But to others I know, it is a daily ritual happening right in their offices. Politician wannabes could learn a trick or two from these veteran strategists or simply catch up on all five seasons of Game of Thrones.

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In the coming weeks, strange beings will emerge from the dark and hunt for gullible preys with a wide grin, trying to sweet talk them in selling their souls with empty promises. I'm not talking about the Hungry Ghosts Festival. I'm referring to the election season and everyone above 21 is a target. You've been warned.

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In life, we should strive to look at the world without coloured lens and approach all matters objectively - be 'colour-blind'. It is all well and good for political parties to adopt a signature colour to differentiate them from the others. But will they turn blue when asked about green plans or the pink issue? I'll vote for the party that embraces all under the rainbow, so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation.

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Some of you might be stressed by the coming General Election since you adore all political parties and hate to favour one over the other. You can put a cross on all boxes on your ballot paper to indicate that you a peace-loving Singaporean and just want everyone to live happily together and not fight.

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Science teachers can use the general election to teach Newton's third law: for every action from the opposition parties, there is an equal and opposite reaction from the ruling party, and vice versa.

Stay calm

As we are entering this volatile season, I urge everyone to stay calm and civilised and not hurl abuses at the other camps. I'm supporting my team with a good track record, and they always deliver without fail. The pretenders who only relish in posturing and showboating will fall when the going gets tough. Hence I have a good feeling my Bayern Munich will emerge victorious at the Champions League. Wait and see!

Words of wisdom (part 4)

Better
For women who want to have a bigger bust, you just need to have a smaller waistline. For men who want to look taller, you just need to surround yourself with shorter buddies. For all who want to look smarter than the rest, just encourage them to blabber non-stop and see them dig a hole for themselves.

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Wrong

There are now two high profile court cases where men paid a high price for saying the wrong things on the wrong people. Hence I've always try to say the right thing to the right person all the time - "you are not fat, honey"

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Talk

In order not to mess things up, we are told to talk about anything but religion and politics. In order to spice things up with your buddies, you don't need to be told you should talk about nothing but religion and politics.

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Life

Life's a bitch when you realised that those models in cosmetics and lingerie advertisements will still look good without the product. But those in skin-care and slimming ads that appear in the 'Before' photos look like they really need lots of help from the product.

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 ???

Why? Why ask?
Ask? Ask who?
Who? Who gives a shit?
Shit? Shit is the only constant in life, and it will happen.

More Words of Wisdom 

 

Five musings on National Day Parade 2015

1. Looking at the mobile column with the latest shiny military vehicles on display, I half expect them to transform to Autobots, which might become a reality in SG100.

2. With the default dress code being red, those who didn't have any tops with 'SG' motifs will proudly don their football jerseys from Man Utd, Liverpool or Arsenal.

3. PM Lee is not the youngest minister but he sure is the most fashion-conscious one based on his bespoke red-white shirt that I would buy in a heartbeat from any enterprising blogshops selling replicas.

4. The annual NDP should be renamed as the National Day Play, with it hundreds of cast, dozens of songs,  props, costume, and pyrotechnics in the form of fireworks.

5. The only ones not sporting a smile throughout the entire Parade are the President and PM Lee's bodyguards. Their plain unassuming short-sleeved shirts which served them well in official events, ironically made them stood out in a sea of colourful costumes.

Simi sai SG50

 (Visual of SG50 logo not shown here for your sanity)

The ubiquitous SG50 red round logo has been used/abused, explored/exploited in every way possible. The SG50 logo now stands for Seriously Gratuitous 50 - which is the least number of times you will see it in any given day.

**************

I'm so happy that during this National Day super long weekend, there are so many places Singaporeans can go for free. I encourage everyone especially my neighbours to join in the golden jubilee celebration, so that I can have peace and quiet in the comfort of my home for my movie marathon.

**************
I'm so looking forward to the fireworks, live performances and local entertainment only a true-blue Singaporean will enjoy. I'm not referring to the just over National Day Parade. I'm talking about the upcoming General Election hustings.

Life's pretty sad ironies (part 2)

1. In our pursuit for a slim bod with gym packages and wearable gadgets, we need to have a fat wallet.

2. To appear taller than others, we often fall short in the department of empathy and respect.

3. We are so eager to jump on the bandwagon for the fastest broadband to cyberspace, that we neglect to take the slow boat in life.

4. We scour the world for the best instagram-worthy dishes that money can buy, but scoff at our mums' tummy-worthy home meals from the kitchen that money can't buy.

5. We dig deep in our pockets to splurge lavishly on the country's golden jubilee while we forget to look deep in our hearts to celebrate intimately the 50th birthdays of our loved ones.


Read  Life's ironies (part 1)

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 9)

Turning 40
Ever since I crossed the threshold of the big Four Oh, I've decided to be more gung-ho and say 'YES' to whatever new adventures that life might throw at me. The Wifey rebutted "It is your mid-life crisis talking. Now stop your nonsense and go back to sleep!". I replied: "YES!".

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Death
Never the superstitious kind, I've never shied away from discussions on death, especially my own impending demise. While most people hope for a quick and painless departure when their numbers are up, I for one, would gladly go from a heart attack from engaging in something orgasmically pleasurable. At least people can say that I left earth on a climatic bang with a happy ending.

 

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Physical discrimination
Why is there exercise discrimination when we always get to 'perform' yoga or Pilates but we only 'go' for a run or jog? Let me engineer some conspiracy theories while I orchestrate some bowel movement.

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Patriotic 
During the recent South East Asia Games, Singaporeans painted the town red in supporting Team Singapore. But when a visiting English Premier League soccer team thrashed our home boys, nobody saw red when we cheered the foreign talents. So it seems that our patriotism extends only within Asia and our appreciation of talents runs worldwide.

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Yummy
For a food show, if more than half the shots are on the pretty chef, then the chef is the featured dish. And the recipe usually includes: 2 fake eyelashes; a dash of mascara; a few pinches of blusher and 1 small teaspoon of lipstick; topped with a megawatt smile and serve while hot. 

More musings on myself. 

 

Don't sue me

There are now two high profile court cases where men paid a high price for saying the wrong things on the wrong people. Hence I've always try to say the right thing to the right person all the time - "you are not fat, honey"

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 8)

Wife
I know this day would come when my wife finally left me. The writings were on the wall since the past month but I was too blind to see. Despite much pleading, she still packed her suitcase and left at the crack of dawn so as not to create a scene. On the bright side, now I have the queen-size bed all to myself... at least for the next one week before the wifey returns from her Bangkok business trip.

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Sleeping partner
When I sleep, I like to cuddle and feel the warmth and scent of my sleeping partner. There are days when I want to be left alone to get some snooze but still see a head resting on my shoulder despite gentle nudges. I was glad this fellow passenger alighted a few stops before me and I could have some moments of peace before the train reached my station.

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Fuck
I can swear that ‘Fuck’ is perhaps the most versatile word in the English language. It can express happiness (fucking sweet!), sadness (I fucked up!), anger(fuck off), surprise (fuck me), or just simply the act of having sex as a noun or verb in its root meaning. Today is complicated. So I’m feeling ‘What the fuck me up sweet’.

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Bathroom scale
My old trusty analogue bathroom scale was beginning to show its age and gave the wrong reading lately with an extra 5kg. I decided to buy a new gleaming digital scale and it too gave the exact wrong reading! What are the odds!?

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Movie character
When it comes to movie characters, the oldest that ever graced the silver screen could be the lovable yellow pills that called themselves the Minions, since they exist even before the dinosaurs more than 65million years ago. They are also indestructible immortals in the same league as Thor and other superheroes but without the ego and violent streak. I'd apply to be a Minions' minion in a heartbeat.

More musings on myself. 

Public service reminder to all SEA Games medallists

There's no need to bite your medal to tell the world you are not dreaming and this is real. We get it. May I remind you that if you chip a tooth while biting into the electroplated brass medal, your dental insurance might not cover deliberate munching on inedible items.

Advertisements in Singapore

Heroic copywriter for thinking out of the box in linking 'natural goodness' with the world's hardest rock for whatever reasons. Moronic for reminding potential customers that they are just wasting money buying lemons.

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Naughty graphic designer with the strategically-placed fingers ready for the pinch in this naughty ad for naughty boys. And if it is not enough, the naughty-sounding interactive feature will surely do the trick. Take my money already! 

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 The $190 savings in this coupon pamphlet is not worth the extra 190 mins on the running track I need to put in, should I ever decide to submit myself to the King.

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 Brilliant ad by SilkAir/Changi Airport incorporating Singapore landmarks as part of a coral reef seascape. Once I spotted Marina Bay Sands, the rest were easy to decipher, like the ArtScience Museum, Gardens By The Bay, The Esplanade and Singapore Flyer. However, a friend thinks that the message is about global warming and rising sea levels. "See them before they go under..."

Five things I learnt on a day trip to Batam

Five things I learnt on a day trip to Batam
1. The movie actually starts playing in the cinema before the screening time without any commercials.
2. Watching a Hollywood movie in a modern cinema with good sound system cost less than US$10 for two persons with popcorn thrown in.
3. It is a smokers paradise where you can light up anywhere you like, even inside restaurants in shopping malls.
4. You can buy counterfeit branded bags and soccer jerseys openly but no pirated DVDs can be found.
5. There are two 'Polo' boutiques- the 'original' Polo Ralph Lauren and the homegrown Polo where the latter tried its best to make you think it is the former with zero regard to copyright infringement.


At Nagoya Hill Shopping Mall:
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right down to the logo font. I put the real McCoys below the pretenders for comparison.

Best of 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

 Actual conversations overheard

"Not speaking doesn't mean mute; not looking doesn't mean blind; not hearing doesn't mean deaf. Knowing the difference will separate the smart ones from the smart alecs."

"One's true colours will show after they leave the organisation and stop being your colleague. Either you gain a Best Friend Forever or you award that person with a Best Acting Award."

"When the boss addresses you as "friend" at the beginning of a conversation, what follows is usually not friendly."

"Feel like working in a farm in my company. I can never bring the horse to the water, the cows refused to come home, and my stubborn colleague insisted on putting all the eggs in one basket. I think Old MacDonald had a better life."

"Work can never be finished. We should always complete what we set out to do. Though both sayings are contradictory, they can be resolved by a third saying: Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life."  

"Common sense dictates that we should always clear the most important or urgent emails, but I always enjoy replying immediately to those without common sense."

 Actual conversations in meetings somewhere in Singapore:
(Looking at the yearly expenditure report)
Boss: what do these freelancers do?
Admin staff: Freelancing

 (Proposal on new facilities)
Boss: what's the purpose of this Relaxation Corner?
Staff: For employees to relax.


 World's best colleagues
"My colleague made me realised that I should cherish my quiet moments which I am at my most productive... whenever this colleague is not in the office."

"The only thing worse than a colleague who has forgotten your name is when she addresses you with the name of another colleague who you absolutely hate."

"I can read my colleague like a book simply because I don't think she ever reads."


"My colleague's car freshener scent smell exactly like the office toilet. Now whenever I'm in his car, I feel like peeing."


 "I've not spoken to my colleague for a month. Not that we are having a cold war, just that my Mum reminded me it is rude to interrupt."






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Five questions we often ask departing colleagues (and our real reasons behind them)

1. Where are you going? (so that I can laugh at that company's misfortune in hiring you)
2. Why are you leaving? (only now when you should have left a year ago and save us the misery)
3. Let's keep in touch (virtually so that I can block you on Facebook and email)
4. You will be missed (since we wouldn't have new fodder to gossip behind your back)
5. All the best in your future endeavour (in looking for another job 6 months down the road when your new employer realised their mistake in hiring you)

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" My Untried and Untested Office Survival tips when the Boss is on leave"

1. Email all projects that need your boss's approval and you will be effectively free for the rest of the day, unless if your boss happened to be on-the-ball and replies emails, in which case, you will need to repeat this step until he gets fed-up/ impressed by your 'hard work'.

2. Plan dept or inter-dept lunches so that there will be at least one common gossip agenda item.

3. Make [Alt+Tab] your best friend to switch screen should some idiots turn up at your cubicle and disrupt your full-time Facebooking or doing holiday research. Said idiots are most likely not your colleagues since they will be as busy as you doing the same thing.

4. Learn the delay/scheduled email sending function to give the illusion of your omnipresence at your desk where in fact, you are out for extended brunch cum lunch or gone for the day to catch the 6pm movie.

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"My tried and tested tips on surviving happily in the office"

1. While you can steal a peek at your colleagues' screen, don't be a busybody and comment whatever is on their screen, unless initiated by the colleague.


2. If your colleague buy snacks or cheapsake souvenirs from overseas, accept them graciously even if you are faking it.

3. If you are leaving your computer for extended period of time and can't be bothered to lock your screen, at least show your desktop or email programme and not face-palm sites like Facebook or travel sites researching for your next holiday.

4. If you are goofing during working hours by watching YouTube videos or playing online games, don't be an idiot and announce to the whole dept by blasting your speakers.

5. Don't compare salary or working hours. Life is unfair, get over it. You win some, you lose some.

6. Make common enemy from other departments amongst your colleagues, great for bonding.

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Definitions:

Meeting:
"shorthand reply to answer inquisitive cleaning ladies should you ever go to work earlier than usual for whatever reasons. This "meeting" will be understood immediately and you can be on your way to whatever stupid shit work that require you to wake up so damn early."

Work-Life Balance:
"As long as you finished all the work assigned to you on time, your boss' life will be balanced."
  
 Work
The said piece of work shall be performed by the one:
- who lost to everyone in the taichi tournament,
- needs the work to be completed the earliest,
- and has the highest stake to lose should some brown stuff hit the rotating blades.

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Angel vs Devil

Daily battle treading the fine line in office. The wisdom comes in knowing when to be the angel or the devil. It is survival of the fittest living in the jungle.
1. Value-add /vs / busybody
2. Delegate /vs /  Taichi
3. Prompt email reply /vs /  giving the impression that one has nothing else to do
4. Involve the whole department /vs / spread the workload
5. Collective agreement /vs /  all to shoulder blame
6. Suggest ideas /vs / sabo others

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Irate caller

Had a rough day at work and the last thing I needed was a phone call from an irate caller who managed to get my direct line and complained about the bad customer service and launched into a personal attack that I'm as "lousy" as the company that I'm working in. Maintaining my utmost professionalism, I replied to this elderly lady that I'll convey her feedback to my CEO. And I ended the conversation by saying "Yes, I'll be back for dinner tonight Mum."

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Letter exchanges between Father Ant and me

Dear Winston,
Thank you for being an animal-lover and taking care of my family with your biscuit crumbs, honey, coffee and tea spills at your office cubicle. Your kind gesture for not cleaning up has fed my extended family. And word has spread far and wide and my colony will brave the hostile long march to join me here. We are eternally in your debt.

Father Ant

-------------------------------------
Dear Father Ant

Please do not circulate this! Your hostile long march is via my colleague's cubicle and she is adopting a 'press-to-kill' policy and has been giving me nasty looks. I might have to clean up my act very soon. Please look for another benefactor. No, don't come to my house, I'm already supporting a lizard family.

Winston



 

Best of 'This Singapore nerd's musings on himself'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

*****

 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

*****

Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

*****

I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

*****

 Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

*****

Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

*****

 While guys like me approaching the big Four-Oh aspire to be a 'hunkle' (Hunky uncle), most likely I'll just turn out to be a 'funkle' (fatty uncle). But since I don't have any nephews or nieces, technically I wouldn't get to be a bona fide uncle, so I'll just go straight from being a nerd to Dirty Old Man.

*****

I know that Facebook/personal blog can be a depressing place where you hate-read your friend's updates on their perfect life and their even more perfect meal. Allow me to reveal some nasty things about myself so you will feel better about yourself. I'm a bad liar, a horrible MCP and I'm a big failure in mastering any of those seven sins.

*****

I belong to a minority group that I keep a low profile to maintain harmony amongst my fellow Singaporeans. Should they become aware of what I believe in, they would treat me like a pariah, or worse, try to convert me into their brethren. But till the day I die, I'd still believe that you don't need to put chilli in every Singaporean cuisine!

*****

The government knows my identity card number and my blood type; my telco tracks my surfing habits and the places I go, and my credit card keeps a record of my purchases and my salary. The entity that knows all that info will have you eating out of its hand. Take heed from this victim and secure your data from your wife.

*****

I can always rely on my bros to circulate juicy pics and vids of women that form my wildest dreams and send my heart pounding. And I have to thank my wonderful wife for sending queasy stuffs from the other end of the spectrum beyond my worst nightmare and send my libido crashing.

*****

 

 Too proud to beg,
Too dumb to steal,
Too shy to ask,
Too stiff to learn,
Too meek to reject,
Too smart to admit any of that

*****

 
I don't go into discussions about whether I see my proverbial cup as half-empty or half-full. Because I always make sure my cup is overflowing at all times...with ice-cold beer. When I'm at play, it will be quench my thirst. When I'm at work, it will be dumped on those idiots who step on my toes, which I constantly need refilling!

***** 

A senior and longtime middle-aged female colleague had this weird notion that I'm still single and wanted to intro a 'sweet girl with inner beauty' to me. While the identity of this girl will forever be a mystery, it is a bigger puzzle why my colleague thinks I make a good partner when my wife has been trying hard to seek a refund for this product that has grown bigger and softer. She should know that returned goods can only be accepted in its original state and unused.

***** 

A good colleague used the 'F- word' on me today in front of others. I couldn't believe my ears that she would use such obscene language. But after my initial outrage subsided, I have to agree that I've grown fat.

***** 

Planned obsolescence is a despicable strategy employed by tech giants to force you to 'upgrade' to their latest gadgets after only a few good years of usage. I discovered this practice has infiltrated the fashion industry as well, since my pants bought within the last two years all shrank at the same time now!
 

The Missus kept complaining that mine is too short and she would much prefer a longer one which will give her more joy. After many heated quarrels from me arguing that size doesn't matter, I finally bought a longer micro USB cable for better mobility for her device while charging.

*****

As I approach my big Four-Oh, I recall how this miserable wreck's life was transformed after I met my soul-mate some 14 years ago. Though it wasn't love at first sight, I've grown to be ever dependent as we became inseparable. Even in public places, I just couldn't stop myself cuddling and retreating into our own little world. There were days she would throw tantrums and become unresponsive. I just had to press the right buttons and her face would light up again. I know I'm getting mushy here but it is true that I just can't live without you. My dear mobile phone, you complete me. 

 

 

 

Best of 'Words of Wisdom'

Note: I'm doing a 'best of' compilation as I'm entering the Singapore Blog Awards 2015 and need to submit 'three recommended blog posts' as part of the criteria. This post is one of them.

Mighty
Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

*****

Wardrobe
Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

*****

Email
The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

  *****

 Feelings

Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

*****

Senses
Best Taste – Anything cooked with love from your kitchen.
Best Sight – Your spouse drooling on the pillow while sleeping.
Best Sound – Your mum’s voice on the overseas call reminding you to wear and eat more.
Best Touch – Soothing tummy rub for your cat/dog (Non-pet-owners to replace pets with kids)
Best Smell – Your blanket after more than 3 months of daily usage. (6 months and above for best effect)

  *****

:)
To have a frown-free day ahead, you don't need to wear your power-suit or your most alluring perfume. You just need to wear a smile. However, the most effortless item one can have with them is often left behind at home before they go to work each morning, and only realised what they have forgotten when they saw it on the faces of others.

  *****

Shopping
Why do women like shopping so much?
Isn't shopping a waste of time and energy?
What is there to gain from all these shopping?
For clueless men who don't know how women think, just replace "shopping" with "football" and everything will be clear. This comes from someone who has attained enlightenment after years of undergoing retail-therapy.

  *****

Pirates

We are used to looking at online piracy from the viewpoint of the downloaders. We should shine the spotlight on the magnanimous uploaders instead. They provide a buffet spread of content like movies, TV shows, books, software and songs online for everyone to download for FREE and asking neither fame nor fortune in return. They should be hailed, not jailed.

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Life

> If we want peace and love in our lives, we have to take the effort to make them, preferably on a daily basis ;P

>I know of someone who likes to meddle in everything but no one appreciates. I would recommend everyone to take sometime to do absolutely nothing which your body and mind would certainly appreciate.

>I've learnt that when you have your loved ones by your side, no matter where in the world or what you are doing, it is never a waste of time.

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Here are my lines for today.
Why do I bother standing in line every morning at the train station to reach my workstation just to clear my projects before my deadline? Why am I asked to think out of the box but never to cross the line? Am I destined to be stuck in this production line in my life until I reach my finishing line? I tried calling the helpline for answers but it was offline. The bottom line is that I'm gonna get lines around my eyes and forehead sooner than later. I might as well acquire laugh lines along the way.

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Instagrope:
the act by your friend to forcefully take your mobile phone so that she can add her Instagram account to your followed list. Eg- I was instagroped during a gathering and was persuaded to like my friend's latest shots.

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 Pee
Casual chit-chat at the urinals should be banned since no man can multitask. If we start talking while holding on to our family jewel, we wouldn't be able to aim straight and we will wet ourselves. And if we have eye-contact with the other guy, we will inadvertently glance downwards at their package and compare with ours. Nobody fancy talking to their boss with their pants down right?

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Guru
There's no need to buy any self-help books or pay to listen to a life guru sprouting words of wisdom when they are staring at us all the time. For the procrastinators: Just Do It; the defeatists: Impossible is Nothing; the marketeers: Think Different; for the workaholics: Have a Break, Have a Kit Kat. Life's Great with these caring companies and I'm Lovin' It!

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 7)

Racist
I've been a racist for the past few years due to this arrogant race's global influence and numerical superiority. Indeed, the rest of the world have suffered much. One can only hope that this race- the human race- can change its ways and be a part of the world, rather than on top of it.

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Emotion
I finally couldn't control my emotion anymore and to make matter worse, it happened at the company canteen. My hanky was wet from multiple uses. I tried not to have eye contact with other colleagues seated around me and I couldn't leave my table without making a scene. Luckily nobody approached me to ask whether I'm ok. My ordeal ended when I finished the yummy but damned spicy curry chicken noodle which was making me sweat like a pig!

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Crossover movie
Just watched the best Marvel and DC crossover movie with non-stop action with superb storyline. You are right to say that this can only happen in my dream. Can't wait for the sequel tonight. Sorry I only have ticket for one.

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Year of the what
I don't understand the fuss on the need to identify the correct animal species for the Year of the Goat/Sheep/Ram. As an animal lover, I love them all the same as goat cheese, mutton soup and lamb chop.

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Wifey
Intimacy: when both hubby and wifey applying facial masks together
Lunacy: when the hubby snapped an unauthorised wefie
Hell's fury: when the wifey realised the pic would be posted on Facebook
Intimacy: when the said photo is now residing in Hell

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Chick magnet

Baby is natural chick magnet hence I always behave like one when I'm with my wife. But I've yet to have women hugging me or planting kisses on me. Maybe I didn't drool enough.

More musings on myself. 

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 6 -photo journal)

While cab-drivers have the misfortune of ferrying vanishing passengers when they bolted without paying, I had the rare fortune of witnessing my disappearing driver yesterday night on my way home. If the driver willingly leaves his vehicle and his day's income with a stranger, it must be for a good reason. 5mins later, he reappeared with a lighter bladder.

Qing Ming Festival- the time of the year when we offer our ancestors the latest in fashion, housing architecture and cars- all made in environmentally friendly paper materials for speedy same-day delivery. The only thing that worries me is the runaway inflation in Hell Bank since we had to send bag loads of cash in astronomical denomination. Perhaps what the underworld need are bankers to manage their finances and that is one thing we have in bag loads here on earth.

I have no need to buy the relaunched Tiger Beer 'original' 1965 can, as this karang guni is a proud owner of an ORIGINAL beer can which happened to be an accidental heirloom from my late grandma. She used it as a piggy bank and stuffed it to the brim with the first Marine series 50-cent and $1 coins, which are the real heirlooms. If you are wondering, none of the items mentioned above are for sale, yet.

Cheap and cute cable ties bought in Johor Bahru. Putting aside the blatant disregard for copyright, the manufacturer's flippant attitude in lumping all comic book superheroes as 'Avengers' is testament to Marvel's dominance in this genre, and the superhuman uphill battle facing DC Comics.

More musings on myself. 

 

Goodbye

After agonising over the past month, I've finally decided to close my blog by the end of the day. My 'nonsense posts' written over the years have filled me with remorse and caused much tension with my wife. To save my marriage and the hope of having a junior in the family, it is time for me to quit and be a loving husband, and in time, a doting father as well. Goodbye to all.

A Singapore nerd's humble tribute to our Founding Father Lee Kuan Yew (1923-2015)

A colour photo that reflects the mood of a nation in mourning of a great leader that can never be described in black and white.

Feel sad?
We should feel lucky to live from third world to first within a short 50 years in this sunny island set in the sea.

Mood black? 
You shouldn't, when you have the freedom to taste all the colours of the rainbow in this little red dot, regardless of race, language or religion.

Why mourn? 
When we should celebrate his remarkable brilliance for future generations to emulate so that his spirit will live forever.

My little note above is published in Singapore TODAY newspaper on 25 Mar 2015, albeit with some edits.

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An Ode to LKY

Heart sank but hope will float again
Tears flowed but spirits will rise again
Blackness enveloped but this red dot will shine again
The Maestro has left the stage but the band will play on again
If time can be reversed, we will do it all over again

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With the renewed exposure of LKY in western media, I hope that their readers will once and for all respect our Asian naming convention of putting our family name first and not bastardise his name as Kuan Yew Lee which doesn't work the same as Harry Lee. Likewise, Park Ji Sung should be remembered as a Korean soccer player and not be mistaken for a garden called Ji Sung Park.

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State Funeral Organising Committe

During this challenging period, please be thankful to the State Funeral Organising Committee (yes it exists) which is working round the clock to ensure that everything goes smoothly during this national mourning period, together with thousands of grassroots leaders manning the dozens of condolence sites around the country. And of course, the tireless local media bringing you the latest news updates. Even in time of sadness, everyone works as one people, one nation, one Singapore.

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The queue
The Singapore population can now be classified in these few categories: Those who queued; those who attempted to queue but left after 10mins; those who left work early on the pretext of queueing; and those who brought the elderly or babies just to be in the priority queue.

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Ashes
The most romantic thing you can say to your spouse is that when you die, you would like your ashes to be mixed with theirs. It is also the most insensitive thing to say since your spouse would have to die earlier than you for that to happen.

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Two observations:
1.Those VIPs who needn't queue at Parliament House will have the added privilege of seeing LKY's face. And these people will never speak openly describing how he looked.

2. Shouldn't Sunday's State Funeral Day be designated as a public holiday? If so, if a holiday rests on a Sunday, the following day Monday should be a holiday in lieu? Singaporeans have spent the entire week following the news and queueing. The additional rest day will be much welcomed, never mind the economic impact.

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Final thought
Am I the only one who is looking at our dear Loong, Yang and Ling as orphans now? And I guess the only thing up for adoption is their late father's vision. Any takers?



In Jan 2014 I wrote ' I hate Lee Kuan Yew'  (click to read)

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 9)

Red reigns supreme in the spectrum in the corporate world. Whether you are devising a blue ocean strategy, launching a green initiative, writing a white paper, or organising a black-tie gala event, you will always be strangled by miles of red tape.

World's best colleagues

"My colleague made me realised that I should cherish my quiet moments which I am at my most productive... whenever this colleague is not in the office."

"The only thing worse than a colleague who has forgotten your name is when she addresses you with the name of another colleague who you absolutely hate."

"I can read my colleague like a book simply because I don't think she ever reads."

Five questions we often ask departing colleagues (and our real reasons behind them)

1. Where are you going? (so that I can laugh at that company's misfortune in hiring you)
2. Why are you leaving? (only now when you should have left a year ago and save us the misery)
3. Let's keep in touch (virtually so that I can block you on Facebook and email)
4. You will be missed (since we wouldn't have new fodder to gossip behind your back)
5. All the best in your future endeavour (in looking for another job 6 months down the road when your new employer realised their mistake in hiring you)

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

 

 

Happy New Years

Those who have already broken their 1 Jan resolutions on the Western calendar can have a second shot at the Lunar New Year which starts tomorrow. And if that fails, aim for the Malay calendar or the Indian one. This privilege only applies to Singaporeans since everyone around the world knows how the country enjoys racial harmony and a Singaporean always has three friends from different races as depicted on government posters and TV commercials.

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Let's assume that the annual Chinese Zodiac horoscope is 100% accurate notwithstanding the multiple versions floating around. Then by extension, the horoscope will also ring true to an Australian aborigine and an Alaskan Inuit. Why stop there? What about mammals, insects and aliens in faraway galaxies? If you still swear by your horoscope for 2015, may I direct you to read the Wikipedia entry on 'self-fulfilling prophecy'.

Wishing all a great 2015? meh

Wishing all my friends a great 2015 sound so insincere since each friend will only get a fraction of my total Wish Power which will be meaningless. Instead I'm gonna direct 100% of my total Wish Power to the one person that needs all the luck in the new year - ME. And if everything goes well, I should become a millionaire in 2015 as long as nobody wish me 100% of his/her bad luck which will effectively cancel each other out.