Happy New Years

Those who have already broken their 1 Jan resolutions on the Western calendar can have a second shot at the Lunar New Year which starts tomorrow. And if that fails, aim for the Malay calendar or the Indian one. This privilege only applies to Singaporeans since everyone around the world knows how the country enjoys racial harmony and a Singaporean always has three friends from different races as depicted on government posters and TV commercials.

******

Let's assume that the annual Chinese Zodiac horoscope is 100% accurate notwithstanding the multiple versions floating around. Then by extension, the horoscope will also ring true to an Australian aborigine and an Alaskan Inuit. Why stop there? What about mammals, insects and aliens in faraway galaxies? If you still swear by your horoscope for 2015, may I direct you to read the Wikipedia entry on 'self-fulfilling prophecy'.

Wishing all a great 2015? meh

Wishing all my friends a great 2015 sound so insincere since each friend will only get a fraction of my total Wish Power which will be meaningless. Instead I'm gonna direct 100% of my total Wish Power to the one person that needs all the luck in the new year - ME. And if everything goes well, I should become a millionaire in 2015 as long as nobody wish me 100% of his/her bad luck which will effectively cancel each other out.

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 8)

"When you are the source of misery at the workplace, it is always good to be humble and apologise with something like "I'm sorry you didn't bother to read my email"; or "I'm sorry you are the only one who couldn't understand my simple step-by-step guide". If you find yourself apologising frequently, it's time to dig up your CV. And you can thank me for that."

*****

"We always wear a mask at work whether we like it or not. I'm so glad to finally found someone who knows her way around the company whom I can confide in. I poured my heart out to her while she listened attentively without interrupting. And when I finished my piece, she whispered "meow", licked her paw and darted into the drain."

 ***** 

"I'm paid to be a spin doctor and I'm loving it! Maybe I'll go to hell for that. And if that's the case, I'll submit my CV to Satan and help reverse the bad press that Hell has been getting for millennia, and I'm pretty sure I'll see some familiar faces."

***** 

"I forgave the new flamboyant department honcho who totally ignored my presence and my friendly smile when I bumped into him, since his gaze was fixated at my pretty female colleague walking next to me. I would also ignore all fat nerds on the streets and look at their companions in envy or sympathy."

***** 

"My colleague's car freshener scent smell exactly like the office toilet. Now whenever I'm in his car, I feel like peeing."

*****  

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

 

 

An unscientific look at Singapore hawker stall signboards

Singapore is without a doubt, a food paradise offering all kinds of cuisine to suit your palate. And our hawker centres are a good source for meals and snacks at affordable prices...at least for now.
Rather than joining the battalion of food bloggers and critique on the dishes, let me instead discuss the various types of stall signboards for a change. Needless to say, these signboards have absolutely no bearings to the food they serve, nor should you draw any conclusion for that matter.



Click to read more

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 5)

I was conned into buying five work shirts during my recent trip to Seoul but I was too embarrassed to admit. The swindlers were so smooth that I was sold even without them speaking a word! Hey people! Don't be like me. Remember that clothes worn by the mannequins will definitely look 10 times better than you can ever pull off.

*****

Seven years can be a long time and I'm at the fork of the road to either continue with what I'm having or ditch the old and embrace the new. Hence I decided to step out and look at what the market has to offer and bought a new bolster.

*****

The Missus kept complaining that mine is too short and she would much prefer a longer one which will give her more joy. After many heated quarrels from me arguing that size doesn't matter, I finally bought a longer micro USB cable for better mobility for her device while charging.

*****

As I approach my big Four-Oh, I recall how this miserable wreck's life was transformed after I met my soul-mate some 14 years ago. Though it wasn't love at first sight, I've grown to be ever dependent as we became inseparable. Even in public places, I just couldn't stop myself cuddling and retreating into our own little world. There were days she would throw tantrums and become unresponsive. I just had to press the right buttons and her face would light up again. I know I'm getting mushy here but it is true that I just can't live without you. My dear mobile phone, you complete me.

*****

We shouldn't judge a person based on their looks be it a resting niceface, bitchface or a pokerface. The Missus and I used to tease one fatface a lot even though we know he's quite a nice guy underneath the blubber. The wife promised to stop teasing me if I slimmed down.

More musings on myself. 

 

 

Words of Wisdom (Part 3)

Here are my lines for today.
Why do I bother standing in line every morning at the train station to reach my workstation just to clear my projects before my deadline? Why am I asked to think out of the box but never to cross the line? Am I destined to be stuck in this production line in my life until I reach my finishing line? I tried calling the helpline for answers but it was offline. The bottom line is that I'm gonna get lines around my eyes and forehead sooner than later. I might as well acquire laugh lines along the way.

*****

Instagrope:
the act by your friend to forcefully take your mobile phone so that she can add her Instagram account to your followed list. Eg- I was instagroped during a gathering and was persuaded to like my friend's latest shots.

*****

 Pee
Casual chit-chat at the urinals should be banned since no man can multitask. If we start talking while holding on to our family jewel, we wouldn't be able to aim straight and we will wet ourselves. And if we have eye-contact with the other guy, we will inadvertently glance downwards at their package and compare with ours. Nobody fancy talking to their boss with their pants down right?

*****

Guru
There's no need to buy any self-help books or pay to listen to a life guru sprouting words of wisdom when they are staring at us all the time. For the procrastinators: Just Do It; the defeatists: Impossible is Nothing; the marketeers: Think Different; for the workaholics: Have a Break, Have a Kit Kat. Life's Great with these caring companies and I'm Lovin' It!

 *****

Happy Birthday
Come to think of it, we shouldn't just hope to have a 'happy birthday' which is at a pathetic 0.3% return rate a year. We should all wish for a 'Happy Everyday' and have a blast all year round.

*****

Usual locations of common items arranged from the nearest to the furthest:
Info - at your fingertips
Your nemesis - under your skin
Ballpark figure - top of your head
Your well-conceived plan - down the drain
That thing you are looking for - last place you'd look
That email you sent your boss last week - black hole

More Words of Wisdom

Master post - Words of Wisdom

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

This Singapore nerd's musings on himself (part 4)

 
Too proud to beg,
Too dumb to steal,
Too shy to ask,
Too stiff to learn,
Too meek to reject,
Too smart to admit any of that

*****

 
I don't go into discussions about whether I see my proverbial cup as half-empty or half-full. Because I always make sure my cup is overflowing at all times...with ice-cold beer. When I'm at play, it will be quench my thirst. When I'm at work, it will be dumped on those idiots who step on my toes, which I constantly need refilling!

***** 

A senior and longtime middle-aged female colleague had this weird notion that I'm still single and wanted to intro a 'sweet girl with inner beauty' to me. While the identity of this girl will forever be a mystery, it is a bigger puzzle why my colleague thinks I make a good partner when my wife has been trying hard to seek a refund for this product that has grown bigger and softer. She should know that returned goods can only be accepted in its original state and unused.

***** 

A good colleague used the 'F- word' on me today in front of others. I couldn't believe my ears that she would use such obscene language. But after my initial outrage subsided, I have to agree that I've grown fat.

***** 

Planned obsolescence is a despicable strategy employed by tech giants to force you to 'upgrade' to their latest gadgets after only a few good years of usage. I discovered this practice has infiltrated the fashion industry as well, since my pants bought within the last two years all shrank at the same time now!

More musings on myself. 

 

 

9 things I learnt in Seoul after 6 days or how I 'start to stop the keeping warm jar'

I think Japanese are friendlier.

1. Despite the plethora of skin-care boutiques, not all Koreans are blessed with glowing complexion, and it makes you wonder about the effectiveness of those face masks.

2. Real Koreans have single eyelid. Those with double eyelids are happy customers from the dozens of cosmetic surgery clinics that lined the boulevards.

3. There are few eye candies that caught my eyes. The cosmetically enhanced ones are already in K-Pop bands, TV dramas and movies. Tourists can see the real Koreans by visiting the country.

4. Major shopping districts will have multiple shops from the same brand. So it is highly encouraged to have a 30mins cooling-off period and you can make the actual purchases in the next branch within 100m away.

5. Shops here are using K-stars on billboards and blasting K-Pop tunes just like any other countries around the world. Hence even though I'm at the K-Wave country of origin, it doesn't make it any magical or special.

6. There are more coffee houses than traffic lights. Apparently, the country is addicted to caffeine.


7. Based on my totally unscientific findings from my interactions with the Koreans, their level of English proficiency has flat-lined or taken a dip since I was here 9 years ago. And the amount of typos and nonsensical English on t-shirts and ads have risen.

I'm still trying to decode what 'Start to stop the keeping warm jar' means and what's in the jar.

8. Almost all TV and display screens in shopping malls and subway stations are in glorious HD, which made even inane gameshows and commercials a joy to watch. And quite a few TV addicts even fixed an antenna to their mobile phones to watch TV on the go.

9. Though Korea has emerged from the shadow of its coloniser in economy and soft power, their service standard still pale in comparison to Japan by leaps and bounds.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome perfectly describes how fans of a certain fruit company ignored the superb offerings from rival plantations for years and willingly forgive this company when it finally listens to their pleas and gives them a bigger fruit today. I'll not take a bite from this fruit since I have the entire orchard to choose from.