This nerd's musings on himself (part 2)

Just watched two recent summer blockbusters X-Men Days of Future Past and Edge of Tomorrow which feature time travel that will mess up your head with the various paradoxes that it create. I too, can time travel into the future. If you wanna know what happens 1 hour from now, I'll tell you in 60mins time. Wanna travel back in time? Just look into my wardrobe.

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With my idol Ryan Giggs retiring from professional soccer from my beloved Manchester United, I have no more sporting heroes left for me to worship. I need a new team that exude great teamwork, grace and colourful characters with great physique. The Russian Women Synchronised Swimming team fits the bill...swimmingly.

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I am ashamed to say that I have been unfaithful recently. I was bored with my life so I tried something new and exotic. But after I gave in to my primal lust, it didn't last long to realise that they were just flings and didn't excite me like my true love who is able to keep me up all night. So no more English Breakfast Tea or Chai Latte, my heart belongs to Earl Grey.

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Someone has threatened to upload lewd picture of me online but I think I can resolve this peacefully. Hence I've decided not to teach my mum how to set up a Facebook account so that my toddler photo of me peeing at Chinese Garden will never see the light of day.

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Should you ever be jolted wide awake screaming your lungs out early morning by a lizard, please forgive it for being a dumb creature looking for food at all the weird places like the toilet and shoe cabinet. They were not allowed to venture in the kitchen as agreed in the negotiation meeting with the Cockroaches which I attended as Observer.

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The award-winning theme song from the award-winning animation Frozen is a great inspirational song for all occasions. Especially now during my troubled time sitting alone on my throne when things don't go smoothly. I just sing in my head "Let it go, let it go, Can't hold it back anymore".

More musings on myself. 

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (master post)

 Part 9

Part 8

Part 7

Part 6

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (Part 4)

I organised a morning workshop for 35 male students aged 15-16, who descended upon the tea snack area like ravenous locusts and left nothing behind. Even though I have ordered extra portions, filling the stomachs of growing teenagers is a futile exercise nobody should ever attempt.

Saw the dagger clipped to the calendar next to the rear-view mirror of my company bus which is also used for ferrying actors and crew to filming locations. Pretty sure the weapon is not for self-defence for the driver against stressed-out violent directors. Most likely it is a handy tool for prima donna actresses to back-stab one another.

Definitions:

Meeting:
"shorthand reply to answer inquisitive cleaning ladies should you ever go to work earlier than usual for whatever reasons. This "meeting" will be understood immediately and you can be on your way to whatever stupid shit work that require you to wake up so damn early."

Work-Life Balance:
"As long as you finished all the work assigned to you on time, your boss' life will be balanced."

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Actual conversations in meetings somewhere in Singapore:

(Looking at the yearly expenditure report)
Boss: what do these freelancers do?
Admin staff: Freelancing


(Proposal on new facilities)
Boss: what's the purpose of this Relaxation Corner?
Staff: For employees to relax.

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"After years of working in the same company, I discover that the top 3 tips to a long and successful career are still: location, location, and location. Once you are summoned, it is important that you arrive as quickly as possible to prevent any aggravation from impatient and unreasonable forces that will put a dampener to the rest of your day even if you arrive just one minute late. Hence I'm happy my cubicle is situated less than 10 metres to the restroom, so when nature calls, I would gladly answer without delay!"

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"Just had a chat with a pretty English newscaster and realised she doesn't know what a powerbank is and I didn't have the heart to tell her I have three pieces. Does this mean I'm overqualified to be a newscaster?"

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"During a discussion on an upcoming team-building event, a nervous team leader hopes that the members would be pleasing to the eye, but I caution that 'good to see' would not be 'good to eat' - according to a well-known Chinese phrase 好看不好吃. I'm sorry, I shouldn't stereotype. There are also those lousy workers who are aesthetically-challenged."

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Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

A Singapore nerd's musings on himself (Part 1)

 Savvy manufacturers give their health drink bottles a svelte hourglass look to con impressionable consumers into believing that they would spot the same silhouette after downing litres of their products. I'm more rational in thinking that my shape will remain like the bottle at the extreme right.

When I was young, my mum told me I'm destined for greatness. In later years, I did achieve a larger-than-life stature, but only in my mid-section.

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 I’m at the stage of my life where I might be hit with a Mid-Life Crisis and the proverbial 7-yr itch. But now I’m more concerned about my Mid-Section Crisis and how to lose that 7-kg bitch! 

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I don't believe in fairies, karma, superstition and reincarnation. Wow! I'm so boring! Hope I'll be a swashbuckler in my next life fighting sea monsters and saving damsels in distress and live happily ever after. 

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Life is a theatre: I act tough when my boss is around; act innocent when I'm caught 'stumbling' onto an adult website; and act cute in front of my wife. We should just stop our acts altogether and live true to ourselves. It's easy for me, I'll just act blur from now on. 

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Whether I'm at work or at home like today clearing my leave, my morning routine of drinking my white coffee while staring at my computer screen remains the same. The only difference is the amount of clothes I'm wearing.

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Those who know my family would know that my sister and I look alike. So I guess I'll know how I look like with make-up and how my sis will look like without.

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I had the most amazing police escape dream that featured the best clichés from Hollywood flicks. 1) Why the protagonist(that's me) is a wanted man is not important. 2) How the hero is able escape the multiple police traps and pursuits is beyond logic, and yet still managed to rendezvous with the girl. 3) Badly edited jump cuts and glaring plot holes. 4)The hero is saved by the alarm bell during the cliffhanger, which means there will be a sequel.

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I was driving the car and someone farted. I wanted to scold but I was trying hard to hold my breath. Since only the stuffed bear was in the car with me, it had to be the culprit. And because the furry bugger is so cute, I've forgiven him. 

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Blue: How I'm feeling this week
Black: The colour of my face
Blue-black: My present to those who piss me off this week
Just kidding! I'll give my present to all my friends. I shouldn't discriminate.

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More musings on myself. 

 

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (part 3)

"When the boss addresses you as "friend" at the beginning of a conversation, what follows is usually not friendly."

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"Feel like working in a farm in my company. I can never bring the horse to the water, the cows refused to come home, and my stubborn colleague insisted on putting all the eggs in one basket. I think Old MacDonald had a better life."

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Public holiday on a Friday

"I can never understand the rationale for calling a 4-day work week like this week 'short', which is a mere 20% reduction from a normal 5-day week. Rather than spreading that 20% across the remaining 4 days to cover a week's worth of work, most will in fact, bring forward their lazy Friday mentality to Thursday, making it a 3-day work week. It is indeed a short week. Now I get it."

Working with government

"Working with government agencies can be an exasperating exercise not for the faint-hearted. For a mass public education project, this agency is insisting on cramping the messages in all 4 official languages in a tiny A4-sized poster. Perhaps they are thinking that ‘A4’ means ‘All-4’ languages? For their naivety, I’m giving them ‘A1’."

Working with intern

"I've yet to meet a Generation Y intern who has bowled me over in my company. On most cases, I look at them as the Gen 'Why'- as in 'why can't they deliver?' After a while, I just think 'Why bother'. It is sad that most lacked the 'X-factor' which was in greater supply in the previous Generation denoted by the same alphabet."

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"First time ever that an intern sang at the end of his first day in my dept! (It was 'Singin' In The Rain' since there was a downpour). Either he was on drugs, in which case I shall ask for some tomorrow. Or he knows Someone High Up which means nobody can touch him, in which case I shall be his BFF from tomorrow onwards."

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

Words of Wisdom (part 1)

Since the dawn of time, we wield the sword, only to find the pen to be mightier in dealing with our adversary. But both are no match to the most powerful tool one can hold in our hands to end all conflicts- an olive branch. 

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Those desire a wardrobe of plunging neckline and a raising hemline shouldn't match them with an expanding waistline.

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Everything can be found online. If you can't find it now, it is either removed and will be back online in the future, or you are just not tech-savvy enough to find your way around in cyberspace.

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The success of a complaint email invariably lies not who the email is attention TO. The Sender just need to put the recipient's worst nightmares in the CC. 

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Those who said "No hard feelings" to you are usually the ones who have wronged you and wanted to extend an olive branch. Someone said that to me today and so I'm trying very hard not to have any feelings towards this person.

More Words of Wisdom

Big announcement!!

I finally clinched my first stand-up comedy gig!! It will be in a local comedy festival in June. Though details are still being firmed up, I'll do a 30min talk set which I'll draw materials from my humour blog and write some new stuffs. I'm so happy, nervous and excited!! I just hope I don't make a fool of myself on that day. I have some free passes to my gig to give away to my fans. Please click here for details. Hurry! Limited stocks. http://bit.ly/1lzapPI

All in a day's work in Singapore - real-life office stories as told to me (part 2)

"I've not spoken to my colleague for a month. Not that we are having a cold war, just that my Mum reminded me it is rude to interrupt."

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"Not speaking doesn't mean mute; not looking doesn't mean blind; not hearing doesn't mean deaf. Knowing the difference will separate the smart ones from the smart alecs."

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"One's true colours will show after they leave the organisation and stop being your colleague. Either you gain a Best Friend Forever or you award that person with a Best Acting Award."

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Weirdos 

"In my course of work, I come into contact with lots of weirdos and their outrageous email requests. And if I fail to deliver, they will threaten to bring the matter to higher authority. I often pity the company that employ them. In which case, I blame my HR dept for not opening their eyes big enough during the interview sessions."

Small talk

"Don't ever try to make small talk in the toilet. Having a conversation with your co-worker accompanied with a background music soundtrack of farts and pee tinkle with your fly open or your pants down doesn't look professional. Moreover, it is in a location where you try to limit your breathing to as little as humanly possible. No need to open your mouth, a simple smile or a nod would suffice."

Irate caller

Had a rough day at work and the last thing I needed was a phone call from an irate caller who managed to get my direct line and complained about the bad TV shows and launched into a personal attack that I'm as "lousy" as the TV station that I'm working in. Maintaining my utmost professionalism, I replied to this elderly lady that I'll convey her feedback to my CEO. And I ended the conversation by saying "Yes, I'll be back for dinner tonight Mum."

Click here for more 'All in a day's work in Singapore'

My sick blog post

It is on days like today when I'm sickly pale and green when I think that it is actually not a bad idea for men to have the ability to add some colours with blusher and lipstick to brighten up the mood. Maybe it is just my drowsy medicine talking.

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Turning up for work today armed with a medical certificate is like having the proverbial 免死金牌 Death Exemption Medallion. Nobody will dare to give you any work and you can finish the necessary tasks on hand and leave in peace. Though I can't be accused of passing the buck, I'll be passing my germs around to spread the luuuve.

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After a week's suffering of blocked nose and not able to fully savour the food I ate, I realised I'm on the road to recovery when I took a deep breath in the packed toilet in my company this morning.

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I'm quite embarrassed to note that during the period that I was sick, whenever I looked down, I can see how tiny it has shrunk. No amount of sensual coaxing from my wife was able to excite it and make it large like it usually is. Don't worry tummy, I'm sure my voracious appetite will be back in no time.  

 

Read newspaper for your daily serendipity

The best formula for digital natives and immigrants to lead a life most enchanted

If you are reading this on newsprint with ink-smudged fingers, give yourself a pat on the back. For those staring at the words on a screen, stop taking the blue pill for today and leave the ‘blissful ignorance of illusion’.In the seminal 1999 science-fiction movie The Matrix where humans are living in a simulated reality, hero Neo swallowed the red pill instead of the blue one, and faced the ‘painful truth of reality’.

I would argue that unlike the deceived people in the film, we willingly put on our rose-tinted glasses and live our lives in a cocoon of our fabricated reality aided by our highly personalised media consumption.

With cable TV offering 24-hour niche programming to online curated sites, social media and forums, it is a very tantalising thought of only consuming the content that appeal to you like entertainment or sports for example. Who wouldn’t want to be submerged in the seductive world of K-pop or the adrenaline rush of English premier league soccer day in day out if it makes them happy?

When like-minded folks congregate, tribes are formed both in the real world and online. They in turn create echo chambers which reinforce their mentality and behaviour, much to the detrimental to their personal growth and the advancement of society. While one may be deemed an expert with deep knowledge in his/her field, without broad understanding of other disciplines, actions and decisions made would often be flawed.

Whether we like it or not, that is how our media have evolved in order to attract our eyeballs and stickiness by overwhelming us with as much as what we desire and none of those we dislike. That includes all media except newspaper.

The inability for the oldest medium to offer much personalisation like how its younger brethren: radio, TV and Internet have done so marvellously well, is perhaps the only reason why it excels in preserving the one quality none of the latter offers – serendipity.